The Ass Eater’s Guide To The Galaxy

“We eat fish, toss salads, and make rap ballads.” —Ghostface Killah

It may shock some to hear that the topic of analingus is often broached in family conversations around my house.

I’m not certain as to why the subject is so frequently raised, it just is. Perhaps it’s simply because the year is 2020, and every season that comes and goes is dubbed ‘Ass Eatin Season’ by the nation’s young people.

Were the phrase not so catchy it would have been long since retired. Ass Eatin Season? Ass eatin is en vogue, it’s not a seasonal treat, it’s a year round favorite — spread those cheeks baby, let’s have a taste!

Once a hole reserved strictly for the sexually adventurous, the anus is now for everyone. Deviants are gonna need a new orifice soon just to set themselves apart.

Talking to porn stars and the butt licking public about the do’s and don’ts of ass eating, at the 2019 Exxxotica Convention

A good rim job is so de riguer that chicks are going to start expecting it.

Soon there will be lengthy twitter threads about how guys who don’t chow down on dirt star are actually engaging in a form of systemic misogyny. Forget ‘my body, my choice’, signs at next year’s women’s march will read ‘my anus, your mouth’. Women everywhere will rally in the streets against the oppressors who engage in female circumcision and honor killings, while refusing to eat ass.

Reboots are big these days, I haven’t seen any of the Sex And The City movies, but I can’t assume there was more than a passing reference to ass eating in the first two (They made two right? I don’t feel like looking it up. Didn’t one of them get married in the Middle East or something?) Anyway, even if the last two did touch on ass eating, there’s no way it got the attention it deserved. The first two decades of the 2000s were all about MILFs, waxed pussies, sexting, and anal — penetration, not licking, that’s a horse of a different color. But we’ve moved on, these days it’s OnlyFans and eatin ass. So I hope there’s another cinematic hen-fest on the way, where the gals dump out the cosmos, crack open a few Trulys with their nieces, and trade barbs about a date Miranda had with that fella who refuses to dine on dingleberries.

“I don’t know how you do it!”

“I’d dump him!”

I dunno, maybe he’s got a big cock. Then again I don’t care how big your dick is, if it doesn’t have a tongue, it can’t lick an asshole.

I’ve never gotten a rimmer myself, but I have friends who say it’s the bee’s knees. I probably wouldn’t turn one down though. My only real objection to getting my bung tongued, is that I never trust myself to have a perfectly clean asshole.

My diet includes tons of meat, lots of green leafy vegetables, and I love a good cup of hot, black, coffee. Protein shakes? You betcha! Filled with peanut butter too, and blueberries sometimes. In other words, I am a man who takes big shits. Turds fly out of my ass like a giggling 12-year-old shooting off of a water park slide on a hot summer day.

Sure, I’d like to get my ass licked, but unless I’m fresh out of a very thorough shower — preferably one with a detachable nozzle — I just don’t trust my hairy male ass to be appetizing. Frankly, even the most thorough washing imaginable doesn’t seem like enough to strip every strain of poop off of every strand of hair.

It’s not that I’m not a pervert, I certainly am. But like the jousting knights of olde, I believe that even a no holds barred fuck fest should be a chivalrous affair.

Female ass on the other hand was made to be eaten. Like I said, for some reason ass eating is a big talker in my family, but my brother and my father, and pretty much the entire rest of the clan claims that they find the act disgusting. And if I’m being completely forthright, it’s nice to know that my old man doesn’t eat ass. I can sleep comfortably at night knowing that my mother isn’t off somewhere with her ankles by her ear lobes, with my father’s chin on her tailbone, as she uses his mouth as a bidet. It would be unsettling to know that your parents were doing such things. Just picture your mom and dad doing the same…let that sink in for a moment, just imagine it, YOUR MOM and YOUR DAD licking each other’s buttholes, bon apetit!

Still, I find myself zealously defending my position on Team Ass Eater. It’s 2020, and goddamnit we’re eating ass. It’s discourteous not to take at least a few laps around the backyard pool when you’re down there cunning her lingus. Get in there, make like Gene Simmons, and lick it up!

Let’s be honest, the modern woman is sexually liberated. She posts thirst traps, she shaves her pussy (or maybe it’s a landing strip! I do love a good landing strip. A fully shaved pussy says, ‘I do this to feel clean’, a nice landing strip says, ‘I do this to improve the aesthetics of my vagina, so you can enjoy the view while your face is buried in it.’), she owns a hitachi wand, and a jackrabbit, and maybe a couple butt plugs, and goddamnit she wants you to get down there and lick that turd cutter clean!

Rewrite the medical books doc; the asshole is the new vagina! Proctologists and gynecologists will have turf wars over this new hybrid exit-entrance, is it the front door, is it the back door? I don’t know, but the whole thing is gonna be a bloody, stinky affair, so whatever door you choose be a dear and take off your shoes before coming inside. Can’t have you tracking poop and blood through the house, we’re in the living room eating ass and that kinda mess can really kill the mood.

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