“For the unlearned, old age is winter; for the learned, it is the season of the harvest.” ~Hasidic saying
Extra, extra, read all about it; Zoomers murder Millennials on social media…That’s what an old timey paper boy would shout if there was a front page story about the bloodbath that unfolded on Tik Tok last week.
Maybe it was more than just last week, maybe it happens quite often, I’ll probably never know because I’m not on Tik Tok and don’t follow up on such things, but last week some chick tweeted a screenshot of Zoomers — that’s Gen Z for you old ass motherfuckers who just don’t get it, they’re the kids born between 1995 and 2015 — dropping a massive deuce all over Millennials on Tik Tok.
People say that truth often comes from the mouths of babes, well fuck that, I say truth often comes from the Tik Tok accounts of Gen z, because this shit is spot on.
Here are some of my favorites:
“They be 34 and talking about ‘I’m a Hufflepuff’, like grow up and do a line of coke already”
Does it hit too close to home? Are you a 34-year-old who would rather spend a Saturday night watching Harry Potter than doing some blow and getting weird? Too fuckin bad. You’ve been called out by children. Ya know why? Because Harry Potter is fucking stupid. Sure, if you were in 5th grade when the books came out it makes perfect sense that you would read them…when you were 10. But now you’re 34. Still wanna indulge in an ongoing fantasy series involving wizards and magic and people in stupid hats? Good news, there’s like a decade worth of Game Of Thrones episodes available on HBO On Demand and they all include decapitations, immolation, and full penetration sex scenes — all much more fun than a story about some stupid nerd going to wizard school. Prefer reading? Perfect! Each of the novels is like 500 pages long and George RR Martin wrote a bunch of novellas too. So chop up a line, pour glass of Dornish red, and blast off on a space ship for Westeros where busty brothel maids will be happy to put a little shine on your broadsword after a long day of jousting.
“People that say ‘adulting'”
Too vague? Give em a sec, I wanna see where this is going…
“Ugh, I hate adulting, just give me a slice of pizza and wine,’ like Rebecca, you are 32 and an alcoholic. Please sit down.”
How bout that shit? Remember when it was kinda funny to complain about doing grown up stuff like paying bills and dealing with alternate side of the street parking? Right? Yeah it was mildly amusing for like 2 months right after graduation as we learned to navigate the slight inconveniences of the real world, but eventually all of that ‘adulting’ stuff just becomes a skill set that you should be developing as a productive member of society. It’s not cute or amusing that you don’t know how to prepare a dish of scrambled eggs, change a light bulb, or shop for car insurance, it just makes you a dumbass. There was a time, not too long ago, when ‘adulting’ meant hunting, skinning, and cooking a buffalo for dinner while staving off Indian attacks so your family could sleep through the night without getting scalped. But yeah, please tell me more about how you didn’t register to vote or send in your tax return because going to the Post Office triggers your anxiety.
“Millennials be like; ‘yikes, I’m adulting right now, ugh, I need to go get an avocado toast.”
Look, avocado toast is fucking delicious, I’ll eat the fuck out of some avocado toast, goes great with a sunnyside up egg. But here’s the thing; if we as Millennials are going to flood social media with images, tweets, and statuses declaring our undying love for a luxury brunch food — which avocado toast most certainly is — then we don’t also get to bitch about being too broke to afford homes or weddings or cars. You can’t act as though a weekly boozy brunch at a bar in Murray Hill is a god given right, or that you deserve the privilege of home ownership when you’ve decided to work for $35k a year at a fledgling digital media startup because they have dogs and a kegerator in the office. I know, I know student loans are a motherfucker and we hit the job market during a horrible recession, but somehow our grandparents managed to starve through The Great Depression with energy leftover to win World War II — so maybe just make your iced lattes at home, save a few sheckels, pay off your debt, and THEN you can get the special toasted bread with guac on top. (Writer’s note: I realize the avocado toast meme is a couple years old and that ‘ordering pad Thai from Seamless’ would more accurately depict Millennials in 2020, but slightly dated reference aside the spirit of the mockery depicted Gen Y to a T)
Could I poke holes in some of this criticism? Sure. Will I? No. Because for the most part they’re right. I personally blame the younger Millennials for all of this. Older Millennials have more in common with Gen X than Gen Y. We played little league before participation trophies were en vogue, we engaged in schoolyard ball-busting before it was rebranded as bullying, we played football before anyone had ever heard the phrase ‘concussion protocol’, we came of age in the halcyon days of the mid 80s through late 90s when it was still okay to have a chuckle at a movie about a dorky teenager who surreptitiously records a foreign exchange student masturbating in his bedroom, for fuck’s sake we witnessed 9/11 play out in real time and then signed up to fight a two theatre war against the cocksuckers who did it (well, kind of the ones who did it and also some that didn’t, but we still went to war). Older Millennials are fucking savages, we’re digital natives who could settle a middle school beef by kicking your ass out by the bike rack at 3 p.m. instead of bringing an AR-15 to homeroom.
You wanna know who the real pussies are, look no further than the young Millennials. That’s right; the ones who demanded trigger warnings on college syllabuses, wanted Halloween parties and Cinco de Mayo cancelled because of cultural appropriation, then went off the deep end and made them take Apu out of The Simpsons. The Zoomers are right, you guys are a bunch of pussies.
But before I wrap up this little diatribe let me make one thing clear, and I think I speak on behalf of all older Millennials when I say this; Zoomers, we see you too. And do not, for one minute, think that we are going to be intimidated or otherwise cowed by a bunch of children who use an app to make dance videos on their smartphones and who also can’t come within 500 ft of a peanut without going into anaphylactic shock. When I was your age I was playing tackle football, drinking, doing blow, and traveling to the Middle East to rub elbows with Arabs who would just as soon have cut my head off and hung it from a bridge in the middle of town. So with all due respect (none, the amount due to you little twerps is none) why don’t you take whatever device you’re playing Fortnite on and ram it up your box.