If They Try To Cancel You, Tell ‘Em To Suck Your Dick!

“McCarthyism is Americanism with its sleeves rolled.”Joe McCarthy

I’m writing this at 11 p.m. after a long day of drinking in the sun and smoking the Devil’s Lettuce, so forgive me if I’m a tad off on my math, but did we cancel everyone this week?

I’m gonna miss a name or two as I go along here, but Chris D’elia, Joey Diaz*, Joe Rogan*, Jimmy Kimmel, Aunt Jemima, Eskimo Pies, and a bunch of others were apparently cancelled by the internet over the past 7 days or so.

*Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz can’t actually be cancelled, they laughed in the face of their attempted cancellation. Praise Allah!

Among others; reputed hate monger Abraham Lincoln, slave freeing monster Ulysses S Grant, founding father Thomas Jefferson and…yes the first president of the United States George FUCKING Washington were all cancelled or if not successfully cancelled, were at the very least the targets of attempted cancelling by social justice stunads across the U-S-of-A. Am I missing anyone? Oh yeah, that’s right Teddy Roosevelt was cancelled. His statue was ordered removed from its spot outside of the Museum of Natural History — a museum which owes its very existence to the mustachioed badass himself.

If that isn’t already insane enough for you, even Roosevelt’s great-great grandson said the Bull Moose’s statue has to go. Somewhere the Menendez brothers are muttering to themselves, “Hey, you can’t do that to family!”

If you missed that Menendez brothers joke, I’ll explain. The Menendez brothers were two brothers who killed their parents execution style with a shotgun!

My favorite part about these cancellations — and believe you me, there is a lot to mock here — is that some people have decided to go ahead and cancel themselves.

Jimmy Kimmel, who up until this week was pretty much America’s latenight sweetheart, cancelled himself because his deeply seeded racism was exposed in old blackface videos from about 20 years ago. Well not really. What actually happened was that he was forced to take a sabbatical from his show for a few months because people started bitching about his Karl Malone character from The Man Show (If you’re not familiar with The Man Show do yourself a favor and check it out. It’s Carolla and Kimmel at their masculine best…I’m a Joe Rogan and Doug Stanhope fan, but their reboot didn’t really pass muster compared to the original).

The Man Show was fucking awesome! Call me a racist, call me a sexist, call me a guy who doesn’t give a shit what you call me, because The Man Show was tits!

Anyway, Kimmel was known for appearing in full brown body paint as Utah Jazz sensation Karl Malone.

Al Jolson this is not

As a result of his ex post facto faux pas Kimmel will be putting his show on pause for two weeks before having a series of guest hosts fill out the summer schedule. He claims it’s because he needed a break from the daily grind, but deductive reasoning in the year 2020 would say he’s laying low and waiting for the pitchfork wielding villagers of Twitter to find another monster to go after.

If you think it stops there, then guess again. Earlier this week a Canadian TV presenter named Ben Mulroney decided to step down from his position, not because of anything he had done, but because he has come to believe that by the very act of being employed he is perpetuating a brutally oppressive system of discrimination, and it all unfolded in the most preposterous way possible.

Ben’s wife Jessica got into a social media dispute with a black fashion influencer. (The spell check feature on here still identifies the word ‘influencer’ as a misspelling because it’s such a stupid title that spell checking software doesn’t recognize it as a real word). Since that dispute occurred during a…and I shit you not, this is the term that was used to describe it…a ‘global racial pandemic’, Jessica was forced to step down from her position with the Shoebox Project. The Shoebox Project is a charity that SHE founded in 2011, to provide shoeboxes filled with necessities to homeless women. So for those keeping score at home; if you get into an argument with a blogger, you can no longer help homeless women. Sounds pretty fuckin’ stupid doesn’t it? Well it gets even stupider!

For no reason whatsoever, well okay he provided a reason, but it was pretty dumb, husband Ben decided to fall on his sword and quit his job as a presenter on CTV’s eTalk.

Here’s what Ben said:

“I watched as my colleagues led a national conversation against systemic racism.”

Which showed him that:

“We need more black voices, more indigenous voices, more people of color.”

So he’s stepping away from his job to:

“Create space for a new perspective.”

And wants the new anchor to be:

“Black, indigenous, or a person of color.”

Holy shit. Can I pose a serious question? Is there anything more racist than telling people with a different skin color that they could never have a job like yours unless you literally stepped aside and handed it to them? How is the new guy supposed to feel when he sits in that seat on the first day? Does he bask in the moment and savor a hard earned position on a TV show viewed by a handful of Canadians — or does he say to himself, “boy, it sure was nice of Ben to get out of the way, so my less-qualified ass could have this plum gig!”?

For a long time I thought the white savior complex was just a tired troupe used by lazy writers to move the plot of TV shows and movies, but apparently it’s real. Not only is it real, but it’s most prevalent in those who claim to be the most racially woke. Imagine going about your day extolling the virtues of equality and racial justice, while at the same time sending the message that a person of color can’t succeed unless the white man gets out of the way; it’s the literal definition of the soft bigotry of low expectations.

Amazing, amazing stuff, and that’s not the end of it.

YouTuber Jenna Marbles quit her own YouTube channel over a video from 2011, in which she imitated Nicki Minaj. That’s right a nearly decade old parody video has prompted a social media creator to fire herself.

BTW as I write this the guy who voices Cleveland on Family Guy is also stepping down, because in the year 2020, we are apparently living so comfortably as a species that we have the free time to argue about who should be voicing minority cartoon characters. Holy shit!

I guess since we’re no longer wearing loin cloths and trying to kill woolly mammoths with a sharpened stick, the human race finally has time to hash out who should be voicing which cartoon characters. Top of the food chain indeed!

Look, if someone holding a very visible job gets caught buttfucking a 7-year-old or dropping ethnic slurs on their Uber driver, I totally get why a company would give them the boot. It’s not great PR to keep pedos and hate mongers on your payroll, and probably isn’t too good for the ol’ bottom line either — business 101, let em go, we get it.

The thing is, over the past 10 years we’ve seen people cancelled for everything from making mildly off color, but still amusing jokes about Chinatown to grooming teen girls for booze fueled sex romps, and frankly I’m not so sure the two are worthy of the same reaction. (For those struggling to keep up with the who, what, when, where, why, and how of celebrity cancellations, this paragraph is in reference to the cancelling of comedian Shane Gills who lost a job with Saturday Night Live after some playful banter from his podcast surfaced on social media, and comedian Chris D’elia who was cancelled following accusations that he tried to lure young girls to party with him after shows)

So now, after about a decade or so of non-stop cancelling, we’ve arrived at a point where people are cancelling themselves. Inside of one week, a man has quit his TV job because his wife got into an argument with a blogger, and a woman has fired herself from her own video platform because of a joke she made when she was 24 (the human brain doesn’t reach full development until 25, or so some people say). This is absolutely bonkers. I’ve never used the word bonkers in writing before, but it is legitimately the only word that fits this situation. It’s bonkers, it’s crazy, lunacy, absolutely fucking nuts.

I’m reminded of a scene from Valkyrie. After Tom Cruise and the rest of his cabal are captured by the Nazis, the one guy asks for a pistol so he can blow his brains out instead of facing whatever fate awaits him at the hands of the SS.

That appears to be the message being sent; stick a pistol in your mouth and pull the trigger, otherwise we’ll handle the execution ourselves only it won’t be so quick and pleasant.

But there’s another option. If the pitchfork mob comes for you there is no legal requirement to get down on your knees and suck their collective dick. Among the names listed at the beginning of this diatribe were Joey Diaz and Joe Rogan, two of the funniest Joes on the planet. They were both the targets of an attempted cancellation over a 10-year-old video featuring a group of male comics having a good laugh at a bawdy tale being told by Diaz, who once served time for kidnapping (kidnapping will get you sent to a maximum security prison, but will not necessarily get you cancelled).

They also tried to cancel Joe Rogan a second time inside of a week because he said that wearing a mask is for pussies or some such fuckery. (If you’re reading this after 2020, we’re in the midst of a coronavirus pandemic now and it’s been decided by a vocal minority that if you step outside of your home without a mask on your face you should be hauled off to a gulag immediately because you are clearly trying to kill old people). Thank god for Joe Rogan though, his ability to ignore cancellation after cancellation is truly one of his most endearing character traits.

And what did these two beautiful, brilliant bastards do in the face of a salivating hoard of internet cancellers? They told them to kick fuckin rocks. Because that’s the thing about cancel culture; it doesn’t stand up to an ounce of scrutiny. The tactics of social justice head hunters amount to; identify the target, close in, intimidate, demand an apology, eliminate.

It might seem like making a mea culpa and apologizing are the way out, but they’re not. Once you admit that you did wrong, you are done — it’s their aha moment and they will take your admission and shove it up your ass in the snap of a finger. Your only recourse is to ignore it like Rogan, or make like Uncle Joey and tell those cocksuckas to open wide and get ready for the minchia. Salud!

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