I spent nearly a decade working in the news industry, and while the corporate press is very much full of shit, the stories are still tons of fun. Here are some of my favorites from the past week!
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that…” – Vlad Putin
We’ve been hearing a lot about ‘cancel culture’ lately. For those not in the know, cancel culture is when people don’t like something that you said, because of ‘reasons’ and decide to try and ruin your life/career/mental health because of ‘repercussions’.
You know who doesn’t give a shit about cancel culture? Vladimir Putin
The Russian president recently mocked the United States for flying an LGBTQIAA+ flag outside of our Moscow embassy where it was placed to celebrate Pride Month. While the current political climate in the U.S. demands that we applaud the embassy for recognizing the rights of our queer brothers and sisters and whoever else falls under the ever growing acronym, Putin just doesn’t give a fuck.
He said the flag:
“Revealed something about the people that work there.”
Yes. In the event that you needed me to clarify the meaning of that statement, Vlad Putin just called all of our ambassadors fags. It may be un-American and un-woke of me to say so, but I’ll be honest, I fuckin’ love it. Imagine spending a lifetime studying diplomacy and foreign policy, learning the ins and outs of Russia and our relationship with the Bear nation, working your way up through the ranks of our foreign service to earn a spot at one of our most important embassies, trying to spread a message of equality to a country where members of the gay community are persecuted because of who they love. Imagine committing decades to that cause, making it your life’s work, and then having the leader of said country stand outside of your office, point at your flag, and call you a fag.
“It’s not a big deal though. We have spoken about this many times, and our position is clear,” Putin continued.
Amazing. First he calls us gay, and then he follows it up with, ‘not that there’s anything wrong with that!’
It makes you hope that Putin’s a Seinfeld fan. It’s probably a non-starter, because he seems like the type who isn’t too fond of Jews either — although that’s really just a hunch, I haven’t put forth the time or energy to research the matter — but it would be great if Vlad loved the Sein baby!
If nothing else I could see him laughing uproariously at the Risk episode, when Kramer and Newman are locked in a battle for world domination, and Kramer runs afoul of a Ukrainian guy on the subway.
Dutch Extacy Dealers Are Keeping It Real As Fuck
This is without a doubt one of the coolest stories of the year, and will certainly warrant a follow up when more information comes out.
Dutch cops uncovered a torture chamber in a shipping container in a warehouse in a small village. My first thought was, “this has to belong to some kind of serial killer or sex weirdo.” Good news, it was just regular, run of the mill, professional criminals that were caging and torturing people.
The cops found 6 prison containers and one torture container.
Now, you might be thinking, “Mike, it’s kind of fucked up that you think this is so cool.”
Fair point, but the thing is, I’m an organized crime buff, so learning that there’s a Euro MDMA ring using a torture chamber equipped with hedge cutters, scalpels, pliers, handcuffs, and a dentist’s chair in a plastic lined shipping container dubbed ‘the treatment room’ gets my Scorcese movie-sense feeling all tingly.
Sure, if this was a serial killer who was offing cable repair men or stalking and sexually abusing innocent young women, the story wouldn’t be nearly as fun. Innocent people being harmed is never good. Luckily this involves drug dealers, so odds are they’re just using it on other gangsters.
Nobody wants to be locked in a shipping container and tortured, but that’s just part of the social contract that you sign when you enter the international narcotics trade. You might get arrested, you might have to shove pellets of hash up your butt, and you might wind up getting strapped into a dentist’s chair in a shipping container in Holland and tortured to death because you snitched to the cops about a shipment of Molly coming into Rotterdam. Charge it to the game, as the kids say.
This particular story reminded me a lot of one of my favorite gangster flicks ‘Rise Of The Foot Soldier’. It’s an awesome movie about British soccer hooligans who become drug dealers and wind up in a war with the Turkish mafia. Not only was it a great film with a badass soundtrack, but it also answered the age old question; ‘what will it take to make soccer fans seem cool?’ Designer drugs, explicit nudity, and a violent gang war, apparently.
Ghislaine Maxwell Had A Year To Leave The Country, So Of Course She Fled To…New Hampshire?
Last and certainly not least, we wrap things up this week with the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell. Guh-Layne, Jizz-Layne, Ghiz-Layne, however you pronounce it, Jeff Epstein’s alleged pimp was arrested in New Hampshire.
Holy Shit! I did not see that coming. If you’re tied to one of the most prolific sexual predators in history and have a year to flee the country, you flee the goddamn country. I’ll be honest, I don’t know the ins and outs of our extradition treaties, or any of that stuff. That’s because I don’t make my living providing teenage girls to a sexually abusive billionaire and his rich and powerful friends. But if I did, you can guarantee I’d have a Swiss bank account, probably a couple Panamanian bank accounts, like six different passports, and that TSA pre-check that everyone raves about.
A quick look at the list of countries that don’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S. shows dozens of options (again, I’m not an expert on this, and I don’t know how Interpol or any of those other groups operate, so if you are planning to go to work for international sex traffickers you should do your own research). Sure, some of these places are war torn shitholes that may be objectively worse than a U.S. prison, but I’m not saying you have to go into exile in Rawanda. Let’s consider the options.
Vietnam. Not bad. The weather’s warm, the food is good, and they seem to look the other way on a lot of the kid sex stuff you were in trouble for in the first place. Same goes for Cambodia and Laos.
The Maldives look beautiful as do Nepal, Morocco, and Indonesia.
If you really wanna stretch your dollar, what about Eastern Europe? I’m looking at this list and seeing Moldova, Bosnia, and Kosovo.
The Vatican is also on the list. Probably tough to get an apartment there unless you’re a Cardinal or above, and the Catholic Church has never been fond of women not named Mary, but they’ve been protecting pedophiles for years, so if you can make it inside you’ll find yourself in good hands!
Or maybe you want to get off the map completely. It appears Micronesia does not extradite to the U.S. either. Greetings from sunny Micronesia: live out your days sipping mai tais, snorkeling, and looking for the remains of Amelia Earhart’s plane. Doesn’t that sound better than getting suicided in a supermax?
But wherever you go, after a year to plan and go on the lamb, you know where you don’t wind up? NEW FUCKING HAMPSHIRE!!!
Christ, the entire planet thought this bitch pulled a Hitler; faked her own death, hopped in a submarine, and moved to Brazil to start a family.
If you’re name is Ghislaine Maxwell and you stay in the U.S. you’re basically begging Hillary Clinton to sprinkle cyanide in your cereal.
This may get me killed just for suggesting it. (BTW anyone reading this after my untimely demise should note that I never have, nor do I anticipate ever experiencing any suicidal tendencies). But if news breaks that Ghislaine caught Coronavirus in jail, then we know the wheels are in motion.
Frankly, I wouldn’t be shocked if the Clintons, the British Royal Family, and other wealthy, powerful, sexual criminals conspired to release the Coronavirus into the public. I believe they did so knowing that they could have Maxwell arrested before using COVID-19 as cover for her death behind bars. Sure, the original plan was probably to suicide her the way they did to Jeff Epstein (RIP), but when they saw how many questions his death raised, they called an audible. They figured, “fuck it, we’re wealthy elites, the pandemic won’t hurt us none, let’s grease this bitch.” And with that, Ms. Maxwell’s warrants – arrest and death – were signed.