I spent nearly a decade working in the news industry, and while the corporate press is very much full of shit, the stories are still tons of fun. Here are some of my favorites from the past week!
Roger Stone Did Nothing Wrong!
I don’t agree with everything Donald Trump has done, but goddamn do I agree with this one! President Trump has commuted Roger Stone’s sentence.
Roger is getting a little long in the tooth and was rightfully worried that serving time for his conviction on charges of lying to Congress could lead to an untimely death from Coronavirus. Luckily that won’t be a problem, thanks to a little last minute help from POTUS himself.
There’s a lot to love about this story. First of all it’s always hilarious when something annoys the libs. That’s just the way things are right now. It used to be Tea Party guys dressed like Thomas Jefferson and Bible thumpers threatening fire and brimstone that made for the best socio-political comedic fodder, but these days it’s the libs. As a lover of laughter, I laugh at anything that gets liberal panties in a bunch because their panties are constantly in a bunch over everything, and if this CNN headline, ‘Donald Trump’s commutation of Roger Stone’s sentence is even worse than it looks‘, is any indication, there are panties balled up in a great big bunch all over the American left right now.
But more than owning the libs, Stone’s release means that an eccentrically dressed, jacked, tatted up, old man who loves group sex and was involved in the Watergate scandal remains free to walk the streets, attend orgies, and give a fair assessment of who are the best and worst dressed people in the public eye.
East Side Murder Has All The Trappings Of Patrick Bateman Or An International Narcotics Cartel
I can’t really call this a ‘fun’ story as it involves the brutal murder of a guy who’s two years younger than me, but it is a fascinating story. The long and short of it is that 33-year-old tech CEO Fahim Salem was murdered in his multi-million dollar Manhattan apartment. He was followed into his unit from a private elevator, tazed, stabbed to death, and chopped up with an electric saw. Salem’s cousin discovered the body and called the cops — actually, it’s believed that she may have scared the killer off while he was chopping up the body.
Again, terrible story. Absolutely heartbreaking for the family, and I’m learning that one of the first apps this guy developed was one that helped people make prank phone calls. As a long time prank phone call artist myself, I solemnly tip my hat.
As sad as Salem’s murder is, the elements of the story are nonetheless titillating. A man in a suit, with a COVID mask on follows a high level tech exec into a posh Manhattan apartment to murder him and has to flee the scene through an alternate exit when the victim’s family member shows up. It has all the trappings of a Tarantino movie with a dash of Patrick Bateman mixed. I live in a basement studio, ride public transportation to work, make considerably less money than the many millions needed to afford a Manhattan luxury apartment, and have never run afoul of anyone who has the financial resources available to come at me with an immaculately dressed hit man — at best my life is evocative of a Seth Rogen film. So when something like this takes place within 2 miles of my home I’m naturally going to be intrigued, especially since it looks like it happened in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon. I walk through the East Village all the time, and nothing highlights the banality of evil like the realization that the guy in the sharp, slim fit suit, walking past me on Houston Street at 2 p.m. on a weekday could be a contract killer who just chopped someone up.
In 2020 Everyone Is A Possible Pedophile, Especially Companies That Sell Cabinets On The Internet
Finally this week, the internet has once again put a smile on my face. Online retailer Wayfair was accused of using overpriced cabinets and throw pillows to sexually traffic underage girls.
There are few things I love more than a good internet pedo conspiracy. For the life of me, I still can’t look at a picture of the Clintons or eat a slice of pizza without picturing an innocent child being kidnapped and sexually exploited.
It’s alleged that dealers on Wayfair were charging upwards of $17,000 for cabinets. This is incredibly fishy as most houses and apartments already have cabinets installed when you move in, which means the only reason a person would spend nearly $20k on a set of miniature closets is if they were using it as a cover for child sex trafficking. Consider as well, the fact that you can easily stuff most average sized children into most reasonably sized cabinets, and it starts making too much sense not to believe that Wayfair is contributing to the sexual exploitation of minors.
The cabinets were given names like Nerich, Yaritza, and Samiyah. Those are also the names of missing girls. I don’t know about you, but 2020 has forced me to recognize my true identity as a jingoistic, privileged white opressor, so I’m comfortable admitting that I didn’t even realize these were kids’ names. In my narrow, racist mind these names sounded no different from any of the ridiculous Swedish monikers given to the cabinets sold at Ikea. I may have a lot to learn about racial sensitivity, but at least I don’t diddle kids.
Therein lies the brilliance of the alleged plot. While non-child molesting racists like you and I see overpriced cabinets with weird names, a seasoned pedo with an eye for quality sees a great deal on an abducted child. The cops are out there trying to lure local pervs in chat rooms and on social media, while the Junior Jeff Epsteins of the world are treating Wayfair.com like a literal playground…allegedly.
Wayfair had to release a statement explaining that they were not actively involved in the pre-teen flesh trade.
“There is of course, no truth to these claims…the products in question are industrial grade cabinets that are accurately priced,” they said.
Let’s hope. Let’s hope that it’s simply a bit of confusion and that the kids are indeed alright. But if America’s pedos really were using Wayfair.com as their own little slice of Neverland Ranch, where might they go next? Not to encourage such behavior, but I have to think the boat market is ripe for takeover by sex traffickers. People name boats after women all the time, so if you name your 20 foot Boston Whaler after a missing 9th grader, nobody is gonna bat an eye. The finances work out nicely too. Boats cost untold thousands of dollars, so rolling the price of a child bride into the final bill on a boat can easily be done without raising suspicion. That’s right, everything will look like it’s on the up and up when you tell your wife that you’ll be taking Maria down to a private island for a fun weekend with your wealthy friend Jeff. You’re not a predator, you’re a boating enthusiast, and to that I say bon voyage!