News Roundup: Murder For Hire, Sluts Of All Ages, Karen vs Thick Ass Cheeks

I spent nearly a decade working in the news industry, and while the corporate press is very much full of shit, the stories are still tons of fun. Here are some of my favorites from the past week!

Boomer Fooled By Fake Hit Man For Hire

Boomers catch a lot of flack for not understanding things like mumble rap, Ass Eatin’ Season, or the internet, and as this first story shows us, that flack is quite deserved.

Consider the case of Wendy Wein, 51, who tried to kill her husband using a hired gun from the website www.rentahitman.com. The site purports to have been ‘your point and click solution since 1920’ which makes the matter all the more hilarious since the internet as we know it wasn’t really a thing until — I’m not sure really, the late 1990s? I think that’s when I started jerking off to jpegs, anyway the point is this lady is an idiot.

She is such an idiot that she filled out a form for a consultation regarding the murder of her ex-husband. Actually, it seems like her stupidity is so extreme that it turned out to be lifesaving. If Wendy had a functioning understanding of things like the Dark Web, bitcoin, and Eastern European organized crime, we might be looking at a successful murder for hire plot, but alas she is just another internet illiterate boomer.

Frankly, I wouldn’t even be shitting on this woman if she had gotten busted in a normal hire a hit man scheme. Those happen pretty frequently; someone has a spouse or business partner that they want to eliminate, but don’t wanna get their hands dirty. They turn to the guy they buy their Xanax from, because they assume that anyone who engages in any kind of for profit crime must have ties to the entire criminal underworld, and it unravels from there.

But thinking that you can Google the phrase ‘rent a hit man’ and click on the first link that pops up like your refilling a paper towel order from Amazon, is just next level stupid. It’s also a clear reminder of why the elderly are so easily scammed via phone and email by con artists looking to relieve them of their life savings.

This genius met with an undercover cop and gave him $5,000 plus travel expenses to kill her ex husband, and it’s the ex-husband who I feel the most bad for in this situation. She was in Michigan, he was several states away in Tennessee, minding his own business, when his moron of an ex-wife goes online in search of a discount hit man to come settle his hash. I don’t know how long this poor bastard was married to this nincompoop, but one day would have been too long. Just look at her:

Gross

She looks like the ‘before’ picture in an ad for a plastic surgeon who fixes the bags under old lady eyes, and I’m reasonably sure her hair has never seen a bottle of conditioner. It must be a massive blow to one’s ego to look back on life and think, “not only did I marry this fucking warlock, but she tried to killed me, and only thought my life was worth $5,000 plus travel expenses.” If that shit ever happens to me I’m calling a timeout and requesting a do-over on life, post haste.

It’s A Golden Age For Golden Sluts

If you’re not a big internet guy you may have missed this, but earlier this week ex-con, friend of Snoop Dogg, and media personality Martha Stewart served up an ice cold pitcher of pleasure for all the thirsty GILF hunters out there.

Look at that! All made up, high cheekbones, head tilted back like a pastry chef is getting ready to squeeze out a little frosting on her not-so-freshly baked cakes — Martha is fuckin slayin baby!

I for one love it when older broads aren’t afraid to throw that ass around a little bit. Sure, Martha may be a tad long in the tooth at 78, but if that’s how you see it then your glass is half empty. If idiots like Wendy Wein are proving the adage that ‘old people suck at using the internet’ then I for one find it refreshing to see women like Martha Stewart proving the other adage that ‘broads of any decade can still get a dick!’

She’s not the only one doing it, not by a long shot. Liz Hurley, 54, is still out there dropping bombs.

View this post on Instagram

Home, sweet home ❤️ #countrylife

A post shared by Elizabeth Hurley (@elizabethhurley1) on

And at 56, Kathy Jacobs, hit the pages of the Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue to remind us that when it comes to eliciting erections from the reading public, age really is just a number.

Historically I’ve dated younger chicks (not like Epstein or Jared Fogle. I mean like 2 or 3 years younger than me. That should go without saying, but it’s 2020 and these days it just makes more sense to say it) but I have been known to whack to a MILF video or two, and with that in mind these old gals are putting in an absolutely strokeworthy performance. If the American Pie movies made MILF a household term, one has to wonder if Hurley, Stewart, and company can flash enough flesh to do the same for GILFs.

Not only is their ageless beauty a testament to what can be accomplished through a nutritious diet and lifelong commitment to physical fitness, but it’s also a reminder that there are clear advantages to slinging dick at the senior center (As a courtesy to your date be sure to get tested for COVID-19 beforehand. It’s a courtesy to yourself too as oral copulation will be quite difficult to achieve if she winds up on a ventilator as a result of your rendezvous). No pregnancy risk, no baggage leftover from her ex since he’s probably dead, just a skilled BJ from a seasoned operator and if you mind your manners during dinner she’ll probably send you on your way with crisp $20 bill and pocket full of Werther’s Originals. Now, someone call up Helen Mirren and Sophia Loren, Mikey’s throwin a party.

Karen Vs A Tik Toker’s Thick Ass Cheeks

There’s been a lot of talk on the internet lately about Karens. It seems we can’t go three days without seeing a viral video of an entitled, frumpy, middle aged white woman throwing a fit inside of a Panera Bread or calling the cops on a couple black kids for shooting hoops in the predominately white neighborhood in which their family resides.

Of course it should be pointed out that not every unhinged white woman is a Karen. Sometimes the woman in question may be caucasian, but isn’t a Karen. She may a drug addict, mental patient, southern racist, or booze hound; all breeds of woman commonly seen going ballistic in public places, but not necessarily Karens. A Karen is defined by a specific set of characteristics. Among those characteristics, as evidenced by her sensible haircut and useless body, is a clear lack of any sexuality whatsoever. It’s a feature defined by this week’s Karen.

A young Tik Toker was out at a lake in upstate New York, shooting content in thong bikini — which in the opinion of this blogger, absolutely complimented her ample posterior and is undoubtedly a delight to her social media followers.

Far less delighted however, was the woman who has since earned the name ‘Bikini Karen.’

Bronze Buns vs Karen, who ya got?

If you ask me, this young woman is guilty of nothing more than creating quality social media content while boosting her immune system with direct sun exposure which has been scientifically proven to provide healthy doses of Vitamin D (we’re in the middle of a pandemic here people!). Apparently Bikini Karen doesn’t care about content or immune health. Here’s what she had to say.

“You see those group of boys over there? Those are my boys. They’re staring at you’re a** which is hanging out in the middle of a public place,” Karen said.

“Do you need a pair of shorts? Because I have an extra pair.”

Confused, Aurea responded: “What do you mean?” to which Karen replied: “I mean get your ass covered, that’s what I mean. Thank you.”

Of course this kind of righteous indignation is a hallmark of Karen behavior, but what I want to focus on specifically is the frump. Being frumpy is essential to Karen’s being. The anger that boils inside of every Karen is fueled by a life that is in a word ‘sexless.’ So when Bikini Karen The Queen Of Frump sees a young woman in her sexual prime showing off a pair of thick, tan, clappable cheeks her natural reaction is outrage.

Taken at face value one might believe that Karen is simply a mother looking out for the well being of her children. Afterall, when the cheeks are that thicc averting your eyes becomes a tall order. The real source of anger for Bikini Karen has less to do with her sons seeing a little bit more skin — they’re on a beach after all, there’s plenty of skin to go around — it’s rooted instead in resentment. You see Bikini Karen was once young, she may have been fun, and it’s possible that at some point she even had a tight set of buns. Sadly, an early marriage to her college sweetheart followed by decades spent raising children while trying to keep up with the Joneses, have painted a blood red Bikini Karen on the once blank pages of this woman’s youth. When Bikini Karen sees a young social media influencer clapping and twerking her plump tan donkey for legions of adoring followers she sees all that she never was and all that she never will be.

The true tragedy here is that Bikini Karen won’t learn from this encounter. She won’t join a gym, wax her pussy, take a blowjob class, and grow out her hair. Instead, she will continue to fume and hate and shame those thirst trapping Tik Tokers whenever they cross her path as she falls deeper and deeper into a pit of self hatred. It brings to mind the old saying, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close