I spent nearly a decade working in the news industry, and while the corporate press is very much full of shit, the stories are still tons of fun. Here are some of my favorites from the past week!
Someone At The MTA Loves To Jerk Off
‘Flirtatious Anal Dildo For Cock Hungry Blonde Slut’. No, this post isn’t about your sister’s Tinder profile. That little skank heads straight to Hunts Point and throws her cheeks around on the streets when she wants to get clapped. Makes a good living doing it too. The phrase in question was actually showing up on Google searches for MTA stations.
Loads to unpack here, but first and foremost I gotta think you’re well past the flirting stage once an anal dildo has entered the equation. To be honest, I’m not sure a cock hungry blonde slut is even going to be satisfied by an anal dildo — she’s gonna want the real thing; big, black, and several of them right goddamn now!
But sexual proclivities of cock hungry blonde sluts aside, the MTA stepped up immediately…and blamed Google.
“This offensive and inappropriate language is being generated by a Google search algorithm.”
That’s right, when porn gets found on your person, always blame someone else. Google, for their part, blamed a computer glitch.
I love it. This is exactly what would happen when my brother and I crashed the family computer with porn when we were growing up. Like the salmon returning to Capistrano, it’s a tale as old as time and one that unfolded in suburban homes around the U.S. for a brief period from the late 90s through the early 2000s. The first one confronted blames his brother, the brother tells mom and dad, “oh no, that’s just a computer glitch.”
In retrospect it’s weird looking back and realizing that for one generation of American life fathers, sons, and brothers were all whacking off in the same chair in front of the same computer. Just an amazing slice of Americana that lasted for a brief moment in time.
If your family had a desktop computer in a common area of the home it was masturbated in front of by every sexually mature male in the house. I’m gonna assume that guys already knew about this (BTW if not, please drop a comment below and let us know what you were whacking to in 2002).
So right now, I’m talking to the ladies. Picture your dad, picture your brother, picture the old family PC. It was probably on a desk with a printer that was frequently out of ink, next to a CD rom tower. Remember the rolling chair you used to sit in to IM your homeroom crush? That’s the same chair your dad and brothers sat in to crush their peckers with an iron grip while self-pleasuring to content provided by the burgeoning internet porn industry (Mad Thumbs dot com I’m looking in your direction).
It’s an experience that most reading this post will be familiar with; left hand slipped under the waistband of your AND1 basketball shorts, an alert ear open — like a wildebeast at a Serengeti watering hole listening for the slightest hint of a predator (to this day I can still identify the sound of my mom’s grocery laden SUV rolling along blacktop at 30mph from 5 blocks away, it’s a skill that never expires), all while a free hand searches for free vids on same keyboard that the teenage lady of the family used to type out her Avril Lavigne away message.
“Your brother’s a boy, he likes to jerk off, can I make it anymore obvioussss”
Poor dad too. I’d hate to share a masturbation station with my teenage sons (and before you object, yes, your father was jerking off. Look at those old beach photos of your 45 year old mother, it’s the definition of middle aged frump. Don’t tell me your dad wasn’t enjoying an afternoon with the best barely legal teens the www had to offer). It’s like dating a chick who makes her living doing videos on blacked.com. You wanna be excited when it’s finally your turn, but it just feels like a million people have already been there.
Ah, que sera sera, whatever will be will be, and if you hop in the Way Back Machine and find yourself sitting in a computer chair in front of a family desktop PC in the year 2001, then you will be sitting upon a piece of fabric covered foam that has absorbed hours upon hours of familial fart, ballsweat, and pre-ejaculate. Salud!
Florida Man Fears COVID
A Florida man was arrested for allegedly firing a gun inside the lobby of a Miami Beach hotel in response to a family flouting social distancing norms, a report said.
Douglas Marks, 29, is accused of squeezing off the rounds at the Crystal Beach Suites on Monday night, the Miami Herald reported, citing police.
It was really only a matter of time until we started getting mask and social distance related shootings. Social media and 24 hour news outlets have been poisoning everyone’s brain so that the population is generally split into two groups. Either you believe that the Rona is no biggie and it will go away the day after the election when the future of the White House is no longer in doubt, or you’re convinced that we’re basically living through the Black Plague Part Deux and that nobody should leave the house, let alone stand within 6 feet of another human being ever again.
So it’s entirely appropriate that we’ve come to this point. A Florida man taking the law into his own hands and popping off a few shots at a ‘mother and son’ who were violating social distancing at a Miami Hotel.
Marks then allegedly said “Let me take care of them, I have two people not following directions,” before firing several shots. It’s unclear who Marks was speaking to.
I love it. One thing I’ve learned from my southern, more rednecky friends, is that nobody is above the law, and if someone is behaving as though they are above the law, it is your responsibility as an American to uphold the Constitution and start shooting at them. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a crowded public place, it doesn’t matter if it’s a mother and son, it doesn’t matter if opening fire will needlessly put others at risk. When rules is being broken in the American south, you shoot first and ask questions later. USA baby! Back to back world war champs. Suck this dick Bin Laden!
Now, you might be thinking, “Mike, you’re from New Jersey and work in NYC, don’t people up there shoot each other like all the time?” The answer is yes they do. But up here when people shoot each other it’s because they found out that the victim was wearing a wire and snitching to the feds as part of a RICO case, or maybe they were jacking your trap house in Brownsville, or part of a rival biker gang. Mobsters, gangsters, lowlifes, scum. It’s criminals that do the shooting up here, but not in Florida. When Florida man pulls out his strap and lays them bustas down it’s to stand his ground and protect society from those who would do us harm — in this case a woman and her child who might have been breathing too close to others — and to that I say, fire away!
Baseball Like It Oughtta Be
It’s late July and the Mets have lost 3 of their last 5 games in ball parks that are for the most part, completely empty. Business as usual in Major League Baseball, at least to the untrained eye. But with the new DH rule, and changes to extra innings, and everything else they’re doing to attract the Tik Tok generation, the old ballgame just doesn’t seem so familiar anymore. That’s why I was thrilled to see Dodgers pitcher Joe Kelly hurling the cowhide at and behind Astros batters the other night.
If you don’t follow baseball you may be wondering why Kelly is wasting pitches throwing anywhere but the strike zone, when it is the job of a pitcher to strike batters out. It seems nonsensical, but what you have to understand is that the Astros cheated at baseball and did it so well that they wound up winning the World Series as a result — not a good thing to do, but hard to argue against cheating as a strategy since it clearly works. Anywhoo, in baseball when someone does something that you or your teammates don’t like, the accepted response is to throw the equivalent of a rock in the vicinity of their head at speeds between 70 and 95 mph. And that’s exactly what happened here.
Unfortunately because of the corona hoax, the players were unable to engage in the usual massive brawl that would have otherwise broken out (thanks China and liberal media dickheads). But brawling aside, it was heartwarming to see that in an age when everything about the game is changing for the benefit of a softer, less physically confrontational generation of fans, pitchers are still hurling balls at batters to settle scores. The days of Ty Cobb’s spikes up slides may be gone, and guys with ridiculous names like Mordecai ‘Three Fingers’ Brown, Buttercup Dickerson, and Cannonball Titcomb may be long gone, but we can take heart in knowing that the ball players of today are still taking the diamond hell bent on dishing out ice cold retribution whenever the on-field situation calls for it, and that’s a pastime the whole nation can enjoy.