Public Service Announcement: Don’t Forget To Wash Your Anus

“I’d take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That’s funny to me,” – Dave Chappelle

It has come to my attention that there are men out there who do not wash their anuses. I saw a tweet a while back referencing ‘men with unwashed assholes’. I thought nothing of the context of the tweet, but the quote stuck in my head. I found myself so intrigued by the concept of grown men who, for whatever reason, go about their daily lives with fresh shit caked on the inner walls of their ass cheeks that I had to do some research.

Just one of the tweets I have seen referencing men who don’t wash their anus

The first thing I found out when I Googled the phrase “Men with unwashed assholes” is that there is a terrifying amount of gay porn that revolves around an unwashed anus.

Exhibit A: If nothing else, this proves that guys really will stick their dicks in anything

Eventually I made my way to some advice columns and reddit posts that brought to light the myriad reasons why a grown man might not wash his dirty little dumper. Some men were never taught to wash back there, some are so hairy that they simply can’t get a good wipe (the phrase used was spreading peanut butter on a shag carpet), and of course others operate under the belief that it’s gay to put a soapy hand or wash cloth in your own asshole.

“I guess my mom didn’t give me good wiping lessons or something,” Ryan says. “It was ‘wipe twice and you’re done,’ never ‘wipe until you’re clean.’”

Christ, my mom never taught me to wipe my own ass either, but it didn’t take long for me to figure out that having a shit-caked crack is horribly uncomfortable. I remember taking off my blue and yellow colored briefs one day after school in 3rd grade, seeing a hearty streak down the middle, realizing ‘oh, that’s where the itch is coming from’, and vowing to never again walk the earth with an unscrubbed hole. My mother’s sole role in the proceedings was to wash the offending undies.

“It just seemed like the norm to me. Skid marks were a part of life,” he said.

No, skid marks are not ‘a part of life.’ Sure, if you shit a couple times, exercise, sit on your ass for a while, fart, etc over the course of the day, you might wind up with a faint dirt path once in a while. It’s the cost of living an active life, but it shouldn’t be a regular thing, and it should always gross you the fuck out. Think of it this way; you wouldn’t walk around with a piece of feces-crusted fabric in your pocket, so why would you allow one to fester in any other part of your pants?

“I assumed it was normal from television,” he continued.

What show are you watching in which the protagonist goes about his day with a butthole covered in dookie? Was there an episode of Walker Texas Ranger where Chuck Norris walks away, fidgeting with his itchy heinie, after roundhouse kicking an interstate narcotics trafficker? Did I somehow miss an arc on the Sopranos in which Christopher and Paulie discuss the plight of man, that we must walk around with poop left sticking to the sides of our shoots? I think not. Unless you own a satellite dish that receives nothing but late night German erotica, you should not be operating under the assumption that your favorite TV characters go about their lives with unwashed assholes.

‘Ryan’, if that is his real name, says that he usually holds it until he gets home so can shit and immediately shower. We can take heart in his attempt at cleanliness, but still, what a fuckin moron. Imagine having the same brain that made the great leap forward from scavenging for berries and avoiding death by woolly mammoth to landing a rocket ship on the moon, but still facing a self-created dilemma whereby every day of your life involves deciding whether it’s better to walk around smelling like stale shit or holding said shit in your lower intestine for 8 hours until a shower adjacent commode is available.

One woman was so frustrated by her husband’s unclean hole that she considered buying darker bath towels so she wouldn’t have to see pieces of poo splashed against an off-white background every time she does laundry.

“His bath towels are shit spotted more days than not,” she said.

She adds that her husband has been asking for more and more ass play. If we’re being honest I don’t think this bodes well for the future of their relationship. It’s bad enough winding up with a guy who doesn’t wash his ass, but can you imagine a husband so selfish he wants you to toss his unclean salad? Come on man! If you want to get rimmed, you gotta let the zamboni driver do his thing between periods, so say the rules of hockey, and the rules of doing butt stuff.

Other guys think it’s gay to wash your own ass, as one woman explained on Reddit.

“I was washing his clothes, the whole seat of his underwear had brown stains on them...Once, when I was riding him he got up and there was a brown streak where his ass had been on the bed.”

Of course she went ahead and bought some baby wipes for their bathroom, which I highly recommend. Nothing will make your anus sparkle like a nice moist baby wipin! This guy disagreed. He yelled in her face.

“A real man doesn’t go in between his cheeks or spread for anything!”

It reads like a line from a comedy sketch about a man whose wife is begging him to clean his asshole so he’ll stop leaving brown streaks on the duvet. Sadly, it’s a very real issue. It seems that some guys are quite insecure in their sexuality. So much so that they worry they’ll enjoy a good anus washing so much that next time, instead of their own hand they’ll opt for a hot young twink’s soaped up cock.

Save this for the discovery phase of your divorce proceedings

Guys, hear me and heed me; you have to wash your asshole. No one wants to hang out with the guy who walks around smelling like shit, no one wants to fuck the guy who smells like literal shit, and you should absolutely not want to be the guy who smells like shit. Pause for a second and think to yourself; do I practice good rectal hygiene? If the answer is no, then odds are your persistent fecal odor has been the topic of conversation in countless group texts and after-work happy hours. Nothing makes a group of women howl with laughter like hearing about a friend who hooked up with a guy whose semi-erect 5 incher was anchored by a taint that smelled like a morgue. Nothing unites the marketing team like 5 p.m. beers, half-priced apps, and a few hours spent cracking wise about that weirdo from accounts payable who is trailed around the workplace by the scent of his morning turd.

It’s simple. If you can shit before you shower, do it. Wash that little mug with soapy water, then run some conditioner in there to keep the skin soft and the itch away (hot water leaves the skin dry and prone to itchiness, trust me when I say DO NOT SKIP THE CONDITIONER STEP). If you’re defecating on the go, always wipe until the paper comes up white, carry baby wipes if you can, and don’t be afraid to pop into a bathroom just to re-wipe — anal cleanliness is continuous!

For you bachelors out there who fear rejection when pursuing women, remember; a hefty chunk of your competition does not wash their asshole. By that metric, if you have the discipline to scrub that sucker down before leaving the house, you’ve already given yourself a leg up and should swagger like a hip hop star into any Bumble date or female laden happy hour. They say women like a man with confidence, well imagine having the confidence of a man with a sparkling anus in a room full of shit caked turd cutters, that’s a recipe for success if I’ve ever heard one!

Finally, consider this; ass washing is standard in the Middle East. They use their left hand and a bottle of water to make their behinds shine. That means that ISIS and Al Qaeda and Hamas and the Ayatollah of Iran — while they may live like it’s the goddamn stone age — all have super clean assholes. This is unacceptable. The Islamic State cannot have cleaner poopers than the United States. This is about freedom, this is about patriotism, this is about not letting the terrorists win. So goddamnit, if you won’t wash your ass for the sake of hygiene, if you won’t wash it for your wife, then wash that hole for the good ol’ U.S. of A!!!

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