White People Do The Darndest Things Part 1: Birthday Brunches And Protests

‘White People Do The Darndest Things’ is a recurring look at the weird shit that white people do…there’s a lot of it

I was riding the train down the shore this weekend and wound up sitting next to a gaggle of the most basic of bitches I’ve ever encountered. In retrospect I shouldn’t have chosen the seat that I did. As soon as I heard them open their mouths, I should have gotten up, walked another 20 feet down the aisle, and sat elsewhere. But the conductor made his way through rather quickly and did the ticket thing where they put the tag on your seat, and I hate getting up after that, so I was stuck. It was nearly 2 hours worth of very basic, 20-something white chicks quacking back and forth about all sorts of nonsense. Sometimes this results in overhearing a good story about some guy who couldn’t get it up, but alas it was not to be.

Working in media in New York City, I spend a lot of time in the company of this specific breed of basic bitch. They reached their heyday between 2011 and 2015, and have steadily declined in number in recent years as they age out of the demo and make way for the Tik Tok generation, but there was a time when these chicks were legion. They are the audience doppelganger for websites like Elite Daily, Refinery 29, and Buzzfeed. They spend a lot of time and money on things like spin class, happy hour, brunch, dinner, zumba, and hot yoga because digital media has led them to believe that the only way to live a complete life as a young, single woman in the Big Apple, is to participate in those activities while filling the rest of your time with Netflix, Seamless, true crime podcasts, and an entry level job at a struggling startup. I wouldn’t be surprised if each one of these chicks also has a collection of incredibly stupid hats. That’s another thing about young white chicks in New York City, they love wearing stupid hats.

Nothing ruins an otherwise attractive woman like a completely asinine hat. Unfortunately we see a lot of this in NYC.

Anyway, these harpees in training wouldn’t shut up about where they ate dinner the week prior. “Oh, my god we had tapas at blah blah, and spent $85 one night at wherevere the fuck and…” SHUT THE FUCK UP. Nobody cares. It’s New York City, we already know the restaurants are expensive, that isn’t interesting. You know who else’s dinner was expensive? Everyone else who dined out in New York City, that’s just how it works. You eat dinner out in the city, you pay a lot of money. Unless you blew a Gambino family capo to get a table at Rao’s on a Saturday night, nobody is interested in the details of your dinner. I’d rather drive Paul Castellano to a Midtown steakhouse than hear another riveting yarn about the tab you ran up at hibachi on Tuesday night. Get better stories or shut the fuck up.

If you missed that last joke; Paul Castellano was a mob boss who was murdered along with his driver en route to Sparks Steakhouse in Midtown, Manhattan. I was saying that I would rather be killed in a hail of gunfire than hear a woman tell her friends about where she went to dinner.

As is often the case, one of these young gals had a birthday coming up. Thanks to my poorly chosen seat on the train, I was privy to the plans for her weekend-long celebration. Dinner on Friday night, followed by an afternoon of day drinking in the park on Saturday, and of course the compulsory brunch on Sunday. One of the hallmarks of young, white, female behavior is believing that it is somehow acceptable to monopolize your friends’ entire weekend “because you only turn 28 once.” Thank god the clubs are closed because if 230 Fifth was open, I can assure you these chicks would get their arms twisted into dropping an extra hundred each to pay for bottle service only to have the birthday girl wind up vomiting an hour after the group’s arrival, resulting in an unceremonious ejection from said club. Tale as old as time.

If that was the only ridiculous Caucasian behavior I encountered last weekend it would be bad enough, but little did I know we were just getting started.

While out picking up Cuban food for dinner, I came upon some sort of left wing demonstration. As a staunch supporter of the First Amendment, I have no political opposition to any kind of rally whatsoever. I don’t care if you’re a Nazi, Antifa, vegan, white supremacist, knitting enthusiast, feminist, MAGA guy, Al Qaeda, whatever, you wanna march and make noise, then march and make noise.

What I am diametrically opposed to is people putting on absurd displays just to show everyone else that they’re a good person with the right opinions, supporting the right cause. I’d call it virtue signaling, but if you call something virtue signaling then people accusing you of virtue signaling to the other side and it turns into a whole stupid thing. Instead, I’m gonna call it what it was; an unnecessary march that injected annoying background noise into an otherwise beautiful Sunday night in the Jersey City Heights.

This group, of almost entirely young white people, were marching down Central Ave past Washington Park chanting, “this is what democracy looks like” while beating a big ass drum and waving BLM signs. If this was a protest outside the White House or a police station or some other location of contention I would get it. I may not agree with your stance, but at least the reason for doing so would be apparent. Instead, it was a bunch of reasonably well off white people (this is a pricey area to live in, the average rent for a no-frills studio apartment is like $1250 a month) shouting about democracy in an already integrated neighborhood.

When I walk down Central Ave I have my pick of ethnic restaurants — the authentic shit, not the hipster white washed food truck version. When I go to the park, I see whites, Indians, Hispanics, blacks, Asians, and Middle Easterners all living quite harmoniously. I live in one of the bluest districts in one of the bluest regions of a very blue state outside one of the bluest cities in the country. It is a shining example of what the American melting pot can be. For fuck’s sake AOC grew up 20 minutes away and Bill de Blasio runs the city across the Hudson.

What I’m saying is; everyone here is already on your side, so what the fuck are you marching for? A demonstration is supposed to speak truth to power. All you assholes did is march up and down the street annoying the shit out of working class minorities on a Sunday night. It was so pathetic that it was actually hilarious. These idiots were shouting their lungs out while the people whose behalf they were demonstrating on were shooting hoops, playing dominoes, and eating soft serve ice cream. It was almost as absurd as the time a few years back when the neighborhood’s progressive white parents cancelled the Halloween parade so their children could celebrate Dia De Los Muertos instead…and then the Hispanic families went and held a Halloween parade anyway, because Halloween is fun and they wanted to celebrate like normal people.

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