News Roundup: Hot Lesbos Offer Free Jizz, Delta Airlines Hates America

I spent nearly a decade working in the news industry, and while the corporate press is very much full of shit, the stories are still tons of fun. Here are some of my favorites from the past week!

Hot Lesbos Can’t Bust A Nut, But They’ll Give Ya Some Seed If You’re In Need

Two hot lesbians from Instagram are giving away cum — and that’s not even the weirdest part of the story. As it turns out; these lovely labia lickers come from Nova Scotia, Canada.

I’m not sure if you guys have ever been to Nova Scotia, but for the uninitiated allow me to explain; it sucks. There is literally nothing to do there. It’s just a massive, empty expanse of boredom that your parents will drag you to one summer when you’re in middle school and would rather be at home riding bikes with your friends or hanging out at the Jersey Shore like a normal person. I’m sure it’s nice for a middle aged couple looking for a quiet family vacation, but sometimes those couples have kids and don’t realize that it isn’t a good idea to take their young children to one of the most boring slabs of land in the northern hemisphere.

I could keep bitching about Nova Scotia, but this blog isn’t about me complaining about my parents dragging us on dumb vacations several summers in a row when I was in middle school (Vermont is also an incredibly boring place to visit if you aren’t old enough to enjoy weed and micro brews). This blog is about hot lesbians giving out free jizz!

Of course it is a tad perplexing that said hot lesbos happen to be from Nova Scotia. It’s not a locale often associated with beautiful, femme, rug munchers. When mentioned together, the words ‘Nova Scotia’ and ‘lesbians’ are more evocative of black Doc Martens, Carhart jeans, and smoked salmon breath than of lithe bodied strumpets licking each other to climax.

I realize this is the year 2020, and we’re all supposed to be reevaluating our most deeply held stereotypes, but still, Halifax is about the size of Omaha and even more remote. So forgive me for thinking that the only oysters worth slurping up there are from the waters off of Prince Edward Island (that’s a joke that will be enjoyed by those who enjoy both cunnilingus and raw shellfish and have a working knowledge of the cartography of northeastern Canada).

Anyway, these gals teamed up with a sperm bank for a semen giveaway. I’ll admit I was a tad taken aback when I first saw the headline, as I once attempted a similar giveaway aboard a Queensbound 7 train and was ordered by a judge to register as a class 3 sex offender, but that’s a story for another blog post.

In addition to opening my eyes to presence of hot lesbians in Nova Scotia (nice!), this story was also a reminder that there are sperm banks out there. You may find it hard to believe that someone would need to be reminded of the existence of buildings filled to the brim with jizz, where men go to deposit and ladies head to withdraw, but if you aren’t in the market for donor sperm it can certainly slip your mind.

The idea of the sperm bank has always been a tad mystifying to me. Is it really that hard to find a guy who’s willing to jizz for you? I’m a man and ejaculating is one of my favorite activities in the world, and based on conversations with other guys my age, I think it’s safe to say that busting a nut is an all around popular way to pass the time.

Despite the fact that us guys love to shoot our loads all over the goddamn place, it appears that some ladies still can’t get their hands on a decent batch. That’s where the sperm bank comes in. I checked out their instagram page expecting to find a feed highlighted by artsy, craft cocktail style snaps of cum filled mason jars, or perhaps detailed profiles of the gentlemen who had stopped by to masturbate in a clinical setting in exchange for $50.

“This is Kyle, he’s a 5’9″ investment banker with a degree from Williams and an MBA from Columbia. He recently dropped an opaque batch with notes of citrus, garlic, and pineapple. Customers should note that this will be a limited offering as he was only in town for a week on business and deposited just one load before his return trip to the states.”

I was disappointed to find that the bank’s IG page was instead filled with babies created by donated sperm, but was pleasantly surprised to see pictures of a few more hot lesbo couples sprinkled in (at this point I’m not sure if Nova Scotia really is some haven for hot dykes, or if the sperm bank just refuses to offend the cum seeking public with pictures of ugly chicks). Then again it probably wouldn’t make much sense to share pictures or profiles of the donors themselves. The reality is that if you’re taking part of your day to jerk off into a vial for a couple bucks, you probably aren’t an Ivy League MBA, you’re probably a part timer at Quiznos. That’s fine, everyone needs to make money and people do enjoy a nice toasted hoagie, it’s just that investment banker sperm tends to be more highly sought after than sandwich toaster sperm — no judgement, just facts, if you don’t like it then work hard and level up before you bust in a cup.

Delta Airlines Hates Freedom, Sides With Al Qaeda

Okay, here’s the scoop:

Delta Air Lines said Thursday that it has banned retired U.S. Navy SEAL Robert O’Neill, the man credited with killing Osama Bin Laden, for allegedly failing to wear a mask during a recent flight.

O’Neill, 44, tweeted that he had been banned from the airline “for posting a picture.” Earlier this week, O’Neill posted a now-deleted mask-less selfie while sitting on a Delta plane, with the caption, “I’m not a pussy.”

“Part of every customer’s commitment prior to traveling on Delta is the requirement to acknowledge our updated travel policies, which includes wearing a mask,” a Delta spokesman told FOX Business. “Failure to comply with our mask-wearing mandate can result in losing the ability to fly Delta in the future.”

Airlines have been known for being unreasonable pricks for years, but this may be the most airline move ever. First of all, O’Neill has been adamant about the fact that he is not an anti-masking Karen who’s gonna throw a shit fit if asked to cover up. It appears the post in question was just a goof and that he had a mask with him. That being the case, no reasonable person would call this a ban-worthy offense.

But. BUT, BUT, BUT, even if this was the kind of thing that warranted a complete ban from an airline, Robert O’Neill should get a pass. Because Robert O’Neill killed Osama Bin Laden. If you’ve forgotten who Osama Bin Laden was, he’s the guy who orchestrated the 9/11 attacks a.k.a. the worst day in the history of America and especially the worst day in the history of aviation.

With that in mind, Robert O’Neill can do whatever the fuck he wants to do on an airplane. If Robert O’Neill wants to wear a flight attendant’s panties as a mask while kicking the pilot out of the cockpit before landing the plane himself as he sips cream sherry, he should be allowed to. In fact I would go so far as to say that Robert O’Neill can do whatever he wants in perpetuity for the rest of his natural life. If Robert O’Neill shows up at your house and demands a threeway with your wife and mother while you and your son watch from the sideline and masturbate, well then everyone better damn well disrobe and lube up, because Robert O’Neill killed Osama Bin Laden.

If Delta…I’m sorry, I mean Al Qaeda Airlines, really gave a shit about freedom and patriotism, there would be portraits of a maskless O’Neill pumping Bin Laden full of lead in every Delta terminal, in every airport, in all of the land. Instead, he’s been banned from Delta flights for sending out a cheeky Tweet. It’s like President Bush said, “you are either with us, or you are with the terrorists” and it appears that Delta Airlines has chosen to side with the terrorists.

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