Sex, Drugs, And Draining The Swamp: Capitol Rioters Are Living Their Best Life

“And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. You can grab em by the pussy, you can do anything,” – The Donald

A lot of people have been droning on and on about the ‘insurrection at the Capitol’ and how those who took part need to be held responsible, and blah blah blah. As a lifelong news man it pains me to see the American media once again burying the lead on this story. Thankfully, the New York Post is here to remind us that amid calls for retribution and treason charges, some Capitol rioters have triumphed over the haters and are living their best life.

Here’s the Post’s copy:

Brandon Fellows, 26, was easily weeded out as one of those storming the building after he was caught puffing on a joint with his muddy boots propped on a table in the office of Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-Ore.).

 “This one is going to get me incriminated,” Fellows told Bloomberg News of the footage of him inside the senator’s trashed office.

Still, Fellows insisted he had “no regrets” — and is already planning to return to Washington, DC, to protest Joe Biden’s inauguration.

But while he fears spending time in federal prison, his infamy has been doing wonders for his love life — “blowing up” his profile on Bumble, the handyman who lives in a converted school bus told Bloomberg.

His political views have fractured his relationship with his family, however, with only his grandparents inviting him to Christmas dinner — but making him eat in his bus because he didn’t take COVID-19 seriously enough, he said.

I bet there are a lot of snooty, play it safe types out there who think this guy is a Grade A piece of shit for storming the Capitol and hot boxing a congressional office, but you know what? While you were at home ordering Uber eats, watching Tiger King, and plastering your neighbor’s picture all over Facebook because he sat on his deck without wearing a mask, Brandon Fellows was livin.

You may not like the way he lives, but he is having a lived experience that few could ever replicate. Who among us can say that they’re getting all sorts of pussy on Bumble, traveling the country in a private bus to attend riots, and got to put their feet up on the desk of a congressman while smoking weed inside the U.S. Capitol during a moment that will be immortalized in the history books?

Brandon Fellows is getting more pussy than you

You don’t have to like his politics, but you do have to admire the way he lives. I love this quote:

He admitted scaling a wall to reach the building — saying he thought, “I’m not missing this, this is history” — and was shown helping others climb over, too, Bloomberg said.

That’s right, when his 4-year-old grandson sits on his knee and says “grandpa, where were you when the libs were trying to steal our democracy?” Brandon can tell him all about that time he and throngs of other heroes stormed the Capitol to save the Republic by smoking weed, shitting in the hallways, and stealing a lectern.

He can also tell them about all the freak pussy he’s been getting on Bumble, because as it happens these MAGA chicks like to fuck. The Air Force veteran Ashli Babbit who was killed during the riot was reportedly involved in a throuple with her husband and another chick.

The Air Force veteran fatally shot by police during last week’s US Capitol riot had been in a “throuple” with her husband and their live-in girlfriend, according to reports.

Ashli Babbitt, 35, and her husband, Aaron Babbitt, 39, lived with their 29-year-old gal pal Kayla Joyce in San Diego, New York Magazine’s Intelligencer reported.

You know whenever something like this happens it’s the survivors that suffer the most. She gets to die in a blaze of glory; defending freedom from a secret cabal of reptilian billionaire child molesters, while her husband and live-in girlfriend are left behind with only the memories of the passionate, all holes filled, ass eatin’, pussy grindin’, load shootin’ threeways that once marked their days. Memento mori, mementio vivere.

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