“Well I’m gonna march on Washington
Lead the fight and charge the brigades
There’s a hero inside of all of us
I’ll make them see everyone has AIDS“
We had some interesting virus news this week — not that one, the other one, the big one, the HIV.
The New York Post reports: AIDS likely made the leap from chimpanzees to humans because of a starving World War I soldier who was forced to hunt the animals for food, according to a new book.
Fighting in WWI and WWII sounds like it absolutely sucked. Iraq was a shithole, but in Iraq if you make it back in from outside the wire without getting blown up they have an omelet bar in the chow hall and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders come through on a USO tour. I actually managed to gain weight in Iraq thanks to all the eating and weightlifting that I did over there. At no point during my time in the desert did I think to myself, “Fuck, we’re a day away from having to hunt monkeys to survive”.
The unknown “Patient Zero” was part of an invasion force of 1,600 Belgian and French troops who, along with 4,000 African aides, had traveled from Leopoldville in the Belgian Congo to a remote outpost in Cameroon, says Canadian microbiologist Jacques Pepin, who once worked as a bush doctor in central Africa in the 1980s.
It must have been really confusing when you introduced yourself as a ‘bush doctor’ in the 1980s. Brazilian waxes wouldn’t be en vogue for another decade, so there was probably a lot of “So, what do you do for a living Jacques?”…”Oh, I’m an African bush doctor”…”Really? I didn’t know gynecologists specialized in different continents”. Probably a joke in there about Asian broads needing specialists for their sideways vaginas, but I’ll be damned if I’m clever enough to write it — love to eat ’em though, tasty little things.
“Patient Zero” was likely injured after killing a subspecies of chimp — Pan troglodytes troglodytes — infected with a simian virus that was a precursor to HIV, or Human Immunodeficiency Virus, the virus which causes AIDS, Pepin writes in the tome recently published by Cambridge University Press.
In a 2011 edition of the seminal book, Pepin originally posited HIV leapt from chimps to humans after an injured African hunter killed one of the beasts in 1921, becoming infected in the process. Pepin then chronicles how the virus’ spread was fueled throughout the world by colonization, prostitution, and “well-meaning” public health campaigns which lacked what are now common safety protocols, such as barring the sharing of needles.
In the second edition, released this month, Pepin draws on research in medical archives in Africa and Europe suggesting ‘Patient Zero’ was not a native hunter, but instead a starving World War One soldier forced to hunt chimps for food when his regiment got stuck in the remote forest around Moloundou, Cameroon and ran out of food supplies.
So says the bush doctor, but I have my doubts. The old story was that AIDS was spread by a gay flight attendant. That makes more sense to me. The guy’s zipping all over the planet sampling all different kinds of international dick while carrying this bug that he caught getting spitroasted by the Hutu and the Tutsi — it’s a recipe for disaster. We all know that great big hogs can tear an anus apart, and when you start getting microtears in the skin of the penis and the butthole you’ve got conditions that are ripe for the spread of disease. Of course it goes without saying that out there on the savannah they have got some butthole tearin’ hogs. Ever wonder why those chicks in National Geographic have such saggy titties? Because It probably hurts like a motherfucker to be penetrated by the local gentlemen, but you lube up a floppy breast with some palm oil and wrap it around one of those meat monsters and it’s good fun for everyone.
Based on this newly available information I still believe the spread of AIDS was not a consequence of hunger, but of lust. These French and Belgian guys are stranded out in the jungle with not a pussy to be found for miles, and if one thing is true about Europeans it’s that Europeans love to fuck. The cops broke up an 80 person orgy in a French warehouse the other day. We’re at the height of a highly publicized viral pandemic and these guys can’t stay home and whack off. Show me a Frenchman with an erection and I’ll show you a guy who is not the least bit concerned about contracting a virus. In fact I’d say that if we ranked history’s all time worst disease vectors, horny Frenchmen would find themselves up there with medieval plague rats.
So it’s WWI era Africa and these horny Euros are on the warpath, they come across some lady monkeys and they’re like “haw haw haw, I have not gotten ze pussy since we left gay Paris!” And before the colonel can shout cease fire, the entire battalion goes full out Pepe Le Pew on the local monkey population. A Frenchman in the throes of lust is not gonna stop at banging the chimps; they’re goin down on them, they’re tossing chimp salad, they’re spending a day of ecstasy getting basted in pure chimpanzee essence.
We also have to assume that at least a few of these horny little frogs managed to survive jungle combat, and given their proclivity for large scale gang bangs, an unbridled, all holes filled orgy — the likes of which you or I will never be invited to — must have ensued upon return to their base. And when I say ‘all holes filled’ I mean ‘ALL HOLES FILLED’. The French are freaks, they’re an anything goes type of people when it comes to sex, thus there is a high likelihood that a few of those French buttholes got torn up by some of the aforementioned local hogs, causing the previously unheard of HIV to spread through the local population like wildfire.
Now, serving in WWI was pretty much a death sentence, and most of the French guys probably got killed by mustard gas before making it home, so for the next 60 years HIV would have remained a local problem — a lasting vestige of colonial Europe’s grip on the continent. Of course as the years go by advances in technology kick globalization into high-gear. In the blink of an eye it’s the 1980s; a fun loving flight attendant has a layover in Zimbabwe and decides to sample a bit of the local python and boom next thing ya know we’re mourning the loss of Freddy Mercury.