“Your son planted explosives around my home,” – a neighbor speaking to my parents after getting stinkbombed
I love when a great story unfolds in my own backyard, it really makes me feel like I’m part of the action. This next story unfolded in Bergen County, the land of my birth, and honestly I wish I was actually involved in the action, because the actions in this story are objectively hilarious.
A Bergen County man has filed suit against a prank company based in New York, alleging they mailed him a chocolate penis, a glitter bomb and other packages meant to shock, offend and frighten him.
Nicholas Carretta, 47, of Oakland, claims in court papers that R&D Promos, also known as Ruin Days, sent him “multiple unsolicited, obscene and harmful packages” over the course of 18 months.
Ruin Days, which is based in Queens, New York, allows customers to anonymously send glitter bombs, imitation feces, bags of dirt and other annoying pranks to unsuspecting recipients. “We ruin your enemy’s day …” the literature states.
I understand it’s my job as a blogger to use words to convey how I feel about things, but I am damn near at a loss for words that could adequately explain how much I love this story.
I’m 35-years-old and juvenile pranks like sending someone a chocolate dick or fake dog shit, are still hilarious to me. Knowing that some dope is standing over his dining room table opening a package just to discover a box full of fake dog shit and sugary cocks, and that there is a company out there making this a regular occurrence tickles me in just the right way.
As a child I was quite fond of using stink bombs as pranks. I’d place them under a door mat, ring the bell, and run away. The unsuspecting resident would answer the door, realize it was a ding dong ditch, step outside to look for the perpetrator and inadvertently set off the stink bomb sending the foul stench of sulfur billowing into the air around them. I had a real prick of a neighbor I used to do it to all the time. They eventually moved.
If I had known there was a service specializing in glitter bombs, fake dookie, and chocolate wangs as a teenager I would have been in a world of trouble. There would be daily deliveries of chocolate cocks and exploding glitter to the teachers’ lounge at Glen Rock High School. Further research led me to discover a number of websites that will send actual feces to your enemies. If I had known about this as a high school, college student, or even as a young adult, there would currently be a big brown stain on my permanent record, because I would not have held back on shit mailing. I would have raised funds specifically for the purpose of financing my shit mailing habit — lemonade stands, bake sales, black market organ trafficking, you name it — all to finance the delivery of turds to my enemies.
In May 2019, a chocolate penis was sent to Carretta at his office in Fair Lawn inside a package “designed to disguise the true nature of its contents,” states the suit, filed last month in Superior Court of Bergen County.
When he opened the package and saw the fake penis, Carretta claims he “suffered fear, apprehension, harm and emotional distress.”
I’m trying to understand how a chocolate cock caused ‘fear, apprehension, harm, and emotional distress.’ The only legit answer I can come up with is that this guy was molested as a child and it triggered a flood of supressed memories.
That, or he realized the penis was made of chocolate and took a bite causing a wave of long latent gay tendencies to pour forward. He opens the package, he eats the chocolate phallus, and he just can’t control himself. One minute he’s happily married, the next he’s on Grindr making a date for mutual sucking with some guy named Roy, his wife finds his prescription for pRep, the marriage falls apart, the judge gives her everything, very sad.
The doorbells rings, a package arrives, chocolate dicks are devoured, and the next three hours are spent doing a photo shoot in your wife’s panties and offering up your boi pussy to men on the internet while you click around on ads for summer shares on Fire Island.
It gets better. The story anyway, not this guy’s life.
In November 2020, Carretta received a spring-loaded glitter bomb that arrived in another nondescript package and blew up in his face, the lawsuit states.
“Carretta opened the package (and) the glitter bomb exploded in his face, causing glitter to strike him with force in the eyes, nose, and mouth,” the suit states. The glitter became “lodged in Mr. Carretta’s clothing, as well as a nearby desk, files and carpet,” the suit states.
Glitter can’t be cleaned up.. It exists in perpetuity. This guy is going to be dealing with glitter for the next decade. Sounds like it blew up in an office setting too, btw. Can’t imagine that’s gonna be good for business. How exactly do you explain to prospective clients that, “the reason you just sat down on a glitter covered chair, and now have glitter all over your pants, is because people hated me enough to send me a box of chocolate weiners, fake doodoo, and exploding glitter.”
On Nov. 27, 2020, Carretta received a packaged addressed to “Fat Midget” that contained chocolate imitation feces, the lawsuit states.
Carretta was shocked and frightened by the contents “and offended that the package of chocolate imitation feces came in contact with his body,” the lawsuit claims.
It’s at this point that I started wondering if this ‘fat midget’ was actually enough of a bitch that he would be offended by this gag, or if he was just playing things up for sake of the lawsuit. And of course there is the issue of whether he is a deserving recipient of such treachery — is Mr. Carretta the asshole here, or is the sender of said boxes actually the asshole, and Mr. Carretta an innocent victim?
It would be great if this guy really was an asshole. If he was such an asshole that his lawyer drops him, and the judge rules in favor of the company because the guy is such a huge tool that he understands how and why someone would send him a box of chocolate dicks and turds addressed to Fat Midget.
“Mr. Carretta, I’ve reviewed the evidence and based on your physical stature and appearance I deem the title ‘Fat Midget’ to be an accurate descriptor of your body. Furthermore, your demeanor and behavior in this court, along with statements submitted by character witnesses, leave me inclined to believe that you were the deserving recipient of fake dog shit, chocolate cocks, and glitter bombs. With that in mind, I rule in favor of the defendant.”
The lawsuit alleges assault, battery, infliction of emotional distress, negligence and conspiracy. In addition to R&D Promotions, the lawsuit names an unidentified John Doe who is alleged to have ordered the products.
“Ruin Days agreed with and entered into a conspiracy with John Doe(s) to harm Mr. Carretta by accepting the order to send him” the packages, the suit states.
I love the idea of a group of people conspiring to send fake dog shit and chocolate dicks. It’s hard to hear that and not picture the most well known conspirators in history doing the same. The murder of Julius Ceasar, the Sons of Liberty planning the revolution, the Lincoln assassination, Franz Ferdinand, 9/11, all could have been bloodless affairs if only there were prank delivery services available in their time.
“Okay, you give us the money, and we send the box of fake dog shit”
The world might be a different place today.