The Greatest Trump Story Ever Told

“Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure,it’s not your fault” – The Donald

For this blog post to work you may have to put aside your feelings about Donald Trump. This may be the best Trump story ever told, but it really can’t be enjoyed if your brain is stuck on outrage. So click the selector switch back to laughter, and let’s have some fun.

Trump reportedly showed people at a shiva photos of naked women on a yacht and called his CFO’s Long Island house ’embarrassing’

Donald Trump showed people at a shiva photos of naked women, according to an attendee of the Jewish mourning event.

Jennifer Weisselberg, the former daughter-in-law of the Trump Organization’s chief financial officer, Allen Weisselberg, recounted the event in a New Yorker article published Friday. She said that it was the first time she met Trump, before she married Barry Weisselberg in October 2004, and that it took place at the shiva at Allen Weisselberg’s house in Wantagh, a town on Long Island.

“Trump showed up in a limousine and blurted out, ‘This is where my C.F.O. lives? It’s embarrassing!'” The New Yorker’s Jane Mayer wrote. “Then, Jennifer recalled, Trump showed various shivah attendees photographs of naked women with him on a yacht.”

The Donald! I love it!

For those unfamiliar with the custom a Shiva is a Jewish mourning ritual where the bereaved spend a week receiving visitors and well wishers in their homes. Despite growing up in the heavily Hebrew Bergen County, I don’t think I’ve ever been to one. I assume the events involve trays of white fish, and scores of nebbish gentlemen escorting older women in shawls, but I can’t say for sure.

What I can say, is that a Shiva with Donald Trump sounds like a lot of fun. As much as I enjoy whiting and stories about the 1940s, I really prefer tits and locker room talk. So if my opinion counts for anything then I’d say that Donald Trump should be invited to every Shiva in perpetuity until the end of time.

In fact I’d go so far as to suggest that Trump expand his business empire and start booking all sorts of boring family gatherings. Comedians and musicians do it all the time. They play college cafeterias, corporate holiday parties, and birthday bashes for Wall Street guys you’ve never heard of who can nevertheless buy and sell your broke ass in a heartbeat. I don’t see why the Donald couldn’t make a killing doing crowd work at wakes, funerals, and other end of life ceremonies. He comes in and your family is crying, he roasts everyone in the room, calls your house a dump, shows some yacht tits, and all of a sudden everyone is in a better mood.

“Yeah, his family loved him, but he was broke, had very little hands, and was frankly a huge pussy” – Trump roasting the corpse at your dad’s wake.

Not even in the White House anymore and still out there making America great, amazing.

Jennifer Weisselberg has spoken to prosecutors in the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office, according to The New Yorker. She described Allen Weisselberg’s life as revolving around Trump.

“His whole worth is ‘Does Donald like me today?’ It’s his whole life, his core being. He’s obsessed. He has more feelings and adoration for Donald than for his wife,” she told the magazine.

She told The New Yorker that after sharing the naked photos at the shiva, Trump began flirting with her. She said her soon-to-be father-in-law humored his boss.

“He didn’t stand up for me!” she told The New Yorker.

This woman clearly has vindictive feelings towards Trump, so it’s hard to take her 100 percent at her word. I was once on a Bumble date with a woman who was angered to the point of clutching her throat when I told her that I didn’t hate Trump or his voters. Politics in this country have gotten to the point where it’s not beyond anyone to make up a story about a former president showing off some titties at a Shiva.

To be sure, there are holes in the story. This incident is said to have happened in or prior to 2004. This was several years before any kind of reasonably useful camera phone was on the market. So where did the pictures come from? Was he walking around with a digital camera filled with yacht tits? That would be pretty sweet because you could zoom in and really get a good look at the titties. Or did he stop at a Walgreens on the way to a Shiva so he could pickup color prints of his favorite seafaring breasts? Lot’s of questions still unanswered.

So was this a true story? I truly don’t know. But what I do know is that true or false, my favorite Trump story of all time is about the time he allegedly hit on the deceased’s family, made fun of their house, and busted out yacht nudes at a Long Island Shiva.

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