Boy Did I Look Like A Complete Idiot On Friday Night

There I was, livestreaming, having a good time, in the midst of an impassioned soliloquy on the virtues of tugging it to OnlyFans, when all of a sudden things went south and I wound up looking like a total dumbass.

Apparently my microphone just up and died during the livestream and I hadn’t the slightest idea, and so I went on streaming, with no audio, appearing to pantomime like the conductor of a symphony orchestra for some 15 minutes as the comment section showered me with japes, jests, and gentle suggestions to fix the goddamn sound.

I eventually figured it out as I cruised past the unusually active comment section en route to an image of a 14 foot anaconda I wanted to display for a story about some weirdo who died surrounded by snakes…color me embarrassed.

The true sadness of this epic livestreaming fail is not that I looked like a total asshole in front of the dozen or so people who were actually tuned in for the debacle — an ego check is good from time to time, it keeps us grounded, and in the high flying world of Friday night livestreams we need all the grounding we can get. No, the true sadness of last week’s sloppiness lies in the fact that it completely obscured my pro cam girl message — a message I believe needs to be spread far and wide.

Former NFL star Herschel Walker is running for office in Georgia and his opponents have attempted to slander his name by highlighting his social media followership of a number of OnlyFans girls.

“A review of Senate candidate Herschel Walker’s Instagram account shows he follows several accounts with links to racy material. One of the accounts has a name not suitable for a family newsletter. Several others also have accounts on OnlyFans, a social media platform popular with porn stars,” the Atlanta Journal Constitution writes.

Walker’s masturbatory habits are apparently of chief concern for the voting public, incidents of domestic abuse on the other hand raised less of a stir.

“Stalking, and domestic abuse are disqualifying by themselves but a porn addiction would be a significant third strike. That’s just handing the Senate to the Democrats,” said Black spokesman Dan McLagan.

At least Dan and I can both agree that domestic abuse is bad, but we part ways when it comes to jerking off to cam girls. I don’t have the data to back it up, but I’m convinced that Only Fans and other erotic web content, was responsible for preventing any number of familicides over the harshest days of the COVID lockdown.

Throughout the suburbs frustrated men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s locked themselves in the bathroom to rub their dicks raw while staring into the gaping assholes of so many girls next door who were savvy enough to use their iPhones and womanly charms to turn a quick buck. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute and you understand why; your wife has spent the last 2 months getting sloshed during daily Zoom happy hours, she reported the neighbors for taking the garbage out unmasked, every night she makes a video of herself banging pots and pans so people on social media will know that she supports front line workers, and you’re stuck inside with her all day everyday; it’s miserable, it’s unsustainable, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Without the release provided by a locked bathroom door and premium video content uploaded by a community college student whose boudoir drawers overflow with lube and silicon, America’s suburban dads may well have sought a different kind of release — the kind that comes from going absolutely postal and killing everyone in the house before turning the Benelli on yourself and ending it all in a flash of smoke and skull fragments. But crisis was averted, thanks to Only Fans! Instead of painting their living room walls with the blood of their loved ones, America’s dads were painting their bellies and filling the coffers of enterprising young strumpets nationwide.

So I don’t think Herschel Walker needs to apologize for his Only Fans fandom, I think he needs to celebrate it. Herschel Walker needs to be the candidate who jerks off. Bill Clinton rose to the White House, in part because he admitted to smoking weed in college, perhaps Walker can do the same by admitting that he, like so many men, jerks it to Only Fans.

Clinton didn’t inhale, Walker did ejaculate! Cum on his knuckles, cum pooling in his bellybutton, and cum all over Pennsylvania Avenue because he’s riding this load all the way to the White House. If Walker takes the lead as the first out and proud masturbator in American politics there’s no telling who or what will follow. Perhaps candidates will proudly release their internet search histories — nothing to hide, nothing to prove, except that we, your elected officials, jerk off just like you.

What a treat that would be for the American people. The press has long since abandoned it’s role as the fourth estate, opting instead to serve as a thinly veiled propaganda arm for whichever party best meets its corporate needs, but porn search histories never lie. Which office holders are jerking off to barely legal Asian teens, and who has a BBW fetish? Is Ted Cruz fond of 70-year-old Hungarian GILFs stuffing their holes with shoplifted cucumbers? He might be, but until our elected officials step forward and disclose their browsing history we’ll never really know, and as my colleagues at the New York Times remind us; “Democracy dies in darkness.”

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