In The Second Civil War Our Keyboards Will Run White With Semen

Millionaires are getting into heated political disputes during cheeky network game shows, boomer musicians are protesting because a cage fighting commentator who used to feed people kangaroo dicks has been asking too many questions about a pandemic that has lasted two years and indirectly led a prominent journalist to masturbate in front of his coworkers. A woman named Goldberg is being accused of anti-Semitism, and now an N-word video has been thrown into the mix. The growing, daily shitstorm has prompted a lot of people to bemoan the downfall of society, but if we’re being honest this is all too entertaining for me to be upset.

The kerfuffle that unfolded on the set of the Mad Singer during a recent taping is standard fare for our modern world — a world which has been feeling more and more like a simulation of some kind, since shortly before Donald Trump declared his candidacy by riding down those golden escalators. Actually, I think the official kickoff to this insanity was that protest in Missouri where the journalism professor was asking for muscle to help manhandle a photographer.

Or maybe it was the day they whacked Harambe.

Anyway, in case you missed it, Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke stormed off stage after Rudy Giuliani was revealed to be a contestant on The Masked Singer.

The New York Post reports: Rudy Giuliani was revealed as one of the first contestants to depart in the upcoming Season 7 premiere – prompting two of the show’s judges, Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke, to storm off the stage in protest, Deadline reported.

While Jeong and Thicke hit the exit, the two other judges, Jenny McCarthy and Nicole Scherzinger, stayed put and chatted with the former New York City mayor, the report said.

Or, differently put; the guy who was mayor at the center of the worst day in the history of America, appeared on a TV show where contestants sing in disguise while celebrity judges try to guess their identity. Upon his unmasking, the guy who played Leslie Chow and Alan Thicke’s son, stormed off in disgust, because said mayor has also been implicated in an alleged plot to overthrow the U.S. government which involved among other things guys dressed like buffalos storming the U.S. capitol, while others defecated on and smoked blunts at the desks of sitting congressmen. Also present during the game show and unbothered by the unmasking were the large breasted blonde who, decades ago hosted a dating show, and a member of a long defunct all girl musical act.

People say this is all a sign that the country is divided and that we’re hurtling towards some kind of civil war, but I really think we’re doing way better than that. Has there ever been a more entertaining time to be alive in American history? We’re so affluent and comfortable that the biggest so-called threat to our democracy is coming from (depending on which side you’re on) a former game show host or purple haired, gender bending teenagers on Tik Tok. Compare that to some of the horrors of the past like violent secession, the Cold war, or the rise of the Nazi war machine, and the state of the American experiment seems safer than ever.

Take the Civil War for example.

The first Civil War was being fought by conscripted teenagers who left rivers of blood all over the American south. There were unspeakable conditions inside POW camps, deserters were executed, and the nation almost fell apart for good. This “civil war” is being fought by millionaires who are mad about the identity of the singer in the koala mask. The real civil war drove entertainer John Wilkes Booth to shoot the president in the back of the head. This civil war has driven Ron Pearlman to act like a self-righteous douche on twitter.

As with the first civil war the current civil war is one that consists of many battles being fought in many places. It’s not just during network game shows that battle lines are being drawn, it’s also on streaming platforms. Joni Mitchel, Crosby Stills Nash and Young, and of course Nils Lofgren have pulled their music from Spotify because they don’t like Joe Rogan.

I feel like this is less of a blow to Rogan, who could easily go back to doing a show on YouTube or wherever if he was dropped by Spotify, and more of a blow to guys like my father who will have to download and figure out how to use a completely new app to listen to shitty music.

By the way if you’re wondering who Nils Lofgren is, he’s the least successful member of the E Street band…those are the guys who play backup while Bruce Springsteen makes money for everyone. Some of them, like Steven Van Zandt and Max Weinberg have put together impressive careers on their own, with Van Zandt playing an important role in the Sopranos and Weinberg serving as band leader for Conan O’Brien. Nils Lofgren on the other hand has remained hopelessly irrelevant, and remains as such despite grabbing a couple of headlines for his anti-Rogan stance.

Joni Mitchell’s music also sucks.

The ante was further upped last week after people on Twitter circulated an old, out of context video compilation of Rogan saying the N-word. It landed just days after actress Whoopi Goldberg issued a shotgun apology for claiming the Holocaust wasn’t about race.

Normally I would provide commentary about such things, but why bother? If these are the biggest of our concerns then we are a country without real problems. Come to think of it, and based on the amount of Blue Chew, Roman, and Hims ads I hear during podcasts I’d say our biggest problem as a nation is our collective inability to achieve and maintain an erection. Maybe that’s because unlimited amounts of free HD streaming porn and marathon edging sessions have left our penises desensitized and our keyboards running white with cum — a far cry from the days of Gettysburg and Chickamauga where the fields and streams ran red with blood, and I think we can all agree that a country where stepmother scissors stepdaughter on the living room couch is a much better place to live than a country where brother kills brother on the field of battle.

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