“The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Who doesn’t love a good rim job? Time was, ass eating was looked at as an act performed only by the freakiest of freaks, a step above scat play in the eyes of all but society’s most sexually deviant. But the year is 2022, and we’ve lived through a number of ass eating seasons. The act has gone so mainstream that Brian Williams once watched his daughter get her salad tossed in a scene from the HBO frump fest Girls…or so he claimed.
Given the analingus renaissance that we’re currently experiencing, it’s no surprise that a U.S. Marine would be a fan of the act. I’m comfortable saying this because as a Marine myself I’ve eaten ass on more than a few occasions, and I can’t imagine a Marine worth his salt who doesn’t consider a good rimming to be part and parcel to a satisfactory sexual experience. Of course there is a bit wrinkle to this week’s post; our story doesn’t involve a Marine giving a rim job, but receiving one…or at the very least requesting one.
“Family Man. Businessman. United States Marine.”
That’s how Rep. Van Taylor, a Texas Republican running for a third term in Congress, describes himself on his campaign website. But on Wednesday afternoon, Taylor confessed to a nine-month-long extramarital affair with a former jihadist who was spirited off to Syria by her late husband in 2013, earning her the nickname the “ISIS bride.”
“About a year ago, I made a horrible mistake that has caused deep hurt and pain among those I love most in this world,” Taylor, a father of three girls, wrote in an email to supporters after news broke of his relationship with Tania Joya, whose first husband, a Texan named John Georgelas, converted to Islam and fought for the Islamic State under the nom de guerre Yahya Abu Hassan.
“I had an affair, it was wrong, and it was the greatest failure of my life,” Taylor’s email continued, notifying his constituents that he would be abandoning his re-election bid. “I want to apologize for the pain I have caused with my indiscretion, most of all to my wife Anne and our three daughters. For months, Anne and I have been working to repair the scars left by my actions. I am unworthy, but eternally thankful for her love and forgiveness.”
An incredibly wholesome statement, albeit one that reads a tad differently from the text messages he was sending to his Islamic State sidepiece.
Joya shared text messages with the outlet that Taylor had sent during their relationship, including one that read, “I want a long slow rim job while I have a drink—then for you to deep throat me while you stroke my cock and I cum on your tonsils.”
During his time in the Corps, which included a deployment to Iraq, Taylor said he earned the Combat Action Ribbon, Presidential Unit Citation, and the Navy Commendation Medal with “V” for valor.
This guy is a fuckin’ Marine’s Marine. First he goes to Iraq, gets a Navy Com with a V, then he comes home and gets his asshole licked by the wife of some ISIS scumbag. Oohrah war animal! (I know the texts only show that he asked for a rim job, so we technically don’t know that he ever received one, but given the sex drive of the average Marine and the fact that nobody would preemptively mention getting their asshole licked if it wasn’t already happening, we’ll go ahead and bestow at least a figurative rim job upon my brother in arms.)
Now, I don’t support infidelity, and loyalty is an important part of being a Marine, but as Marines we also have a responsibility to take the fight to the enemy wherever we find them, and if that means getting a rim job from a jihadi’s ex-wife then so be it.
Read any foreign policy publication and you’ll see plenty of talk about ISIS and AL Qaeda playing the long game — we think about what’s going to happen next year, they think about what’s going to happen in the next 50 years. Well this rim job revelation should send a chill down their spines. It is no longer the case that our men and women in uniform are coming home from war, turning in their weapons, and returning to the civilian world. These days we keep taking the fight to the enemy long after we’ve left the theater of operations.
Terrorists, be advised; if you join ISIS we will seduce your wife and she will lick our assholes. Semper Fi brother, run for president in 2024 and you’ve got my vote.