A Substitute Teacher Masturbating In Front Of A Packed Classroom Should Be The Talk Of The Town

“Stroke me, stroke me
Get yourself together boy
Stroke me, stroke me
Say you’re a winner but man you’re just a sinner now” – Bill Squier

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve hopped on the blog, but this story about a substitute teacher who jerked off in front of his class was just aching to be shared.

A substitute teacher in Nutley was arrested Tuesday after police said he was caught masturbating in a classroom.

Police charged Richard Dunn, 58, with endangering the welfare of a minor after allegedly masturbating in front of Nutley High School students on two separate occasions, once on Feb. 1 and again on March 10.

I hate to sympathize with a guy who jerked off in front of a room full of minors, but it looks like the years have not been kind to Richard Dunn.

It looks like he’s frozen in permanent cum face, as if he was actually ejaculating during his mug shot and just got stuck that way. Maybe the picture was taken during the police lineup and they had students come through to identify the man who had jerked off in front of them. “You, number three, step forward, move your wrist up and down in a rapid fashion, and show us your O-face.”

It’s also quite curious that Dunn wasn’t arrested until the second time he allegedly stroked it in front of a room full of children. I’m trying to imagine a scenario in which a substitute teacher masturbates during class, and the room full of teenagers that witnessed the act somehow decide not to tell the entire world about it. It just doesn’t compute. If this happened when I was growing up it would be the talk of the entire school for weeks.

According to an affidavit of probable cause, the Feb. 1 incident was caught on video by a student. On March 10, police said four students reported that Dunn was masturbating during a digital media class. One of the students informed the teacher in a next door classroom, who in turn informed a guidance counselor and the vice principal. The student told police that Dunn was staring at the female students while masturbating, according to the affidavit. Three of the four students who gave statements to police reported seeing Dunn’s penis, the affidavit claims.

This is just baffling, he jerked off in front of a bunch of teenagers in a digital media class and nobody tweeted a video? Not to sound like Abe Simpson, but in my day that video would have been all over the school and the internet in a heartbeat. The laughs I experienced while terrorizing substitute teachers as a teenager, are among the greatest, deepest, belly laughs I have ever had in my life and we never came anywhere near having a video of one of those poor bastards tugging their peckers at the front of the classroom.

Police alleged that Dunn saw students staring at him and asked, “are you guys all right?” He then stopped masturbating, according to the affidavit.

I love that response “are you guys alright?” It’s got a real “can I help you” tone to it.

Once you’re caught you just have to bail. Get outta there, go hang out in another state until the whole thing blows over. They aren’t going to initiate a multi-state manhunt for you unless you take one of the kids hostage, so as long as you don’t get pulled over for speeding you should be okay. Wait it out for a couple years, then come back and get a job at an old folks home so you won’t be tempted to jerk off at work.

The school district said counselors would be available to any student who wants to talk about the incident.

This happened in Essex County, that’s where Tony Soprano is from. I’m from Bergen County, which is pretty close by. I can’t imagine Tony Soprano needing a counselor after an incident like this, and if this happened in the North Jersey I grew up in there would be no need for counselors either because everyone would be laughing uproariously.

Obviously, as a grown man I know that this guys behavior is disgusting and inappropriate, but if it happens in front of 25 teenagers, there isn’t really a “scarred for life” situation taking place the way there would be if he isolated some kid and performed the act. If this happened in front of the Glen Rock High School class of 2003, we’d be retelling it every time we got together for decades. In fact it would be the first thing brought up at the 10 year reunion – hey, remember when that teacher jerked off in class?! Classic!