Worst Business Model Ever: Sports Bar Will Only Show Women’s Sports

“If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such” – H.J. Simpson

If you’re the kinda guy who loves beer, pub fare, and tepid athletic performances then I have got the bar for you!

Anyone can find a bar that shows men’s sports, but Jenny Nguyen wanted to change that when she opened a bar in Portland, Oregon, that only shows women’s sports.

“The Sports Bra” opened its doors this month in Northeast Portland with a “mission to make great food and delicious drinks, and provide a space that supports, empowers, and promotes girls and women in sports and in the community.”

The bar features five televisions and offers standard pub food such as burgers, sliders and tater tots. Nguyen said some of the recipes will be from women in her family and she plans to source ingredients from women-owned businesses.

I wish them well in their endeavor because I support small business, but the only people I can picture frequenting this establishment are sporty lesbos and suburban families who are looking for a place to watch women’s soccer with their empowered adolescent daughters…some of whom will grow up to become sporty lesbos. It’s a niche market to be sure, but I guess if it’s gonna survive anywhere then Portland is the place.

“The statistics about girls and women dropping out of sports are staggering,” Nguyen added. “Girls who play sports have higher self-esteem and a more positive body image. The Bra will be more than just a place to view women’s sports. It gives people a space to be together and celebrate. It can star with the viewing, and then expand to how that could grow into a larger movement.”

As an outspoken advocate for physical fitness, and one who constantly bemoans the fattening of the American ass (and not the good kind of fattening) I’m 100 percent on board with the idea of chicks playing sports. I swam competitively for a few years as a kid and spent the better part of a decade running track, both are essentially co-ed sports where males and females train together, so I’m not here to say that women shouldn’t be competing, I just find it hard to believe that anyone really wants to watch them on TV. Women’s UFC fights are cool, I guess there’s a market for tennis, people seem to like gymnastics when it’s time for the Olympics, and the women’s world cup is reasonably popular despite the fact that even men’s soccer is pretty fucking boring, so financially speaking the good news is that they’ll have all of their bases covered without having to invest in too many TVs.

The idea for “The Sports Bra” started in April 2018 after Nguyen and a few friends wanted to catch the NCAA Women’s Championship game. They were able to watch it at a local bar but they sat in a corner and watched it on a tiny television, Nguyen said.

You have to expect that when you walk into a sports bar in April right? It’s the start of the baseball season, the NBA and NHL are both hitting the peak of their seasons, and the men’s NCAA tournament was presumably on opposite the women’s tourney. The harsh reality here is that women’s college basketball isn’t compelling enough to compete with viewer attention for any of those sports. If you’ve ever watched a women’s basketball game you know exactly what I’m talking about, even the WNBA — the professional level of women’s basketball — is brutally boring. It’s on par with watching a bad boys JV game at a white suburban high school, and honestly even those guys might be able to give top tier female talent a run for their money. “Hey, let’s go down to the bar for a few pints and watch some Amazonian women pass the ball around and make some layups,” is not a statement ever uttered by any basketball fan anywhere.

According to a 2021 USC/Purdue University study, 95% of total television coverage as well as the ESPN highlights show SportsCenter focused on men’s sports in 2019.

Nguyen said she wants to make up for the remaining percentage, and if there aren’t any women’s sports being broadcasted, the televisions may be turned off.

I do appreciate this very woke Portland move, where in the name of equity they have decided that if we can’t watch women’s sports on TV, we aren’t watching any sports on TV.

ATLANTA, GA – MARCH 17: University of Pennsylvania swimmer Lia Thomas accepts the winning trophy for the 500 Freestyle finals as second place finisher Emma Weyant and third place finisher Erica Sullivan watch during the NCAA Swimming and Diving Championships on March 17th, 2022 at the McAuley Aquatic Center in Atlanta Georgia. (Photo by Rich von Biberstein/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

This of course begs the question of what they’re going to do when Lia Thomas jumps in the pool, but that’s a topic for a different blog post…for the impatient, feel free to head to Portland and ask around, it’s a question that’s sure to put a few brains into a pretzel.

But Nguyen said she is working with media companies to show more women’s sports.

“The more attention we draw to viewers demanding women’s sports coverage, the more power we have as a community to push for change and equity!” she continued.

You can demand all the equity you want, but the point remains, women’s sports aren’t exciting. As I see it you have two options; have the chicks start munching each other’s rugs during games, or start giving them steroids.

Baseball (a reasonably exciting sport played by men) was dying in the 1990s and steroids saved it. If they had pussy eating going on in the dugout at the Women’s College World Series it would probably become the number one sport in the world.

Otherwise, I dunno, enjoy your shitty sports bar. I guess it can’t be any worse than a regular sports bar. If I can eat wings and drink beer while some fat fuck in a Daniel Jones jersey screams about how lazy and untalented the world class athletes in the NFL are, I can probably down an IPA while some butch with a mullet and jacked quads rehashes her glory days on the rugby field as she chats up a bi-curious Asian femme…actually this place doesn’t sound half bad, I’ll meet you there, save me a seat by the women’s bathroom because I don’t want to miss a second of the action!

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